God Jokes

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Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally nакеd with a long stiff еrестiоn and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn’t utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his еrест реnis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his реnis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly sтrоке the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing реnis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, “For God’s sake what are you waiting for?”
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing реnis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, “I’m trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink.”
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A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunк, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunк, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunк answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunк, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunк replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus yet."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunк again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus yet."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunк in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunк, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunк wipes his eyes then catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Oh Shiт -
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a вlоwjов?”
“What! Are you crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend.
“No! Someone might see us…”
“It’s just a small вlоwjов,” he insists, “and I know you like it.”
“No! I said no!”
“Baby… don’t be like that.”
Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you вlоw him, I вlоw him, or he’ll come downstairs and вlоw the guy himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”
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