God - Page 45

There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question. "What's the deal with all these clocks?" John asked. "Well," said God, "these clocks tell how much a person masturbates."
"Well, where's my clock?" asked John. "It's in the office," replied God. "We use it as a fаn.

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There was this Antartian that wanted to take up a new winter hobby. She went to the library and started studying all about ice fishing. Finally, she went out on the ice, set up all her stuff, and sat down. All of a sudden, a bellowing voice from above said, 'There are no fish under the ice."
Startled, she got up and moved to a different spot. Right as she began to sit down, the voice from above spoke again, "There are no fish under the ice."
Frustrated, she got up and walked a long ways away onto a new patch of ice. She sat down and set up all of her gear. Once again, the voice spoke. "There are no fish under the ice."
Now the Antartian was very mad. "God, is that you? she asked.
"No! It's the manager of the ice skating rink." the voice replied.

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God Jokes

So a zebra gets hit by a truck and goes to heaven. He goes up to the gate keeper and asks am i a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes. The gate keeper tells him to go ask god. So the zebra goes and asks god. Then god says you are who you are. Then the zebra goes back to the gate keeper. The gate keeper says what did he say and the zebra tells him you are who you are. Then the gate keeper says that means you are a white zebra with black stripes. Then the zebra asked why. The gate keeper says if you were a black zebra with white stripes then he would of said you is what you is.

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God Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch реnis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown”.
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, “Are you Ok??”
In a very weak voice Mike says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?”
The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch реnis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
Mike said, “Oh Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn Around'”

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God Jokes Masturbation jokes

One cold winter day a boy was standing out side a shoe store praying to God for some socks or some shoes. Just them a lady walks up to him and says,
"Is there something that I can help you with?" He looks down at his feet,and says "well, I would like some shoes."
She grabs his hand and takes him in to the shoe store. She asks for a dozen pair of socks and a pair of shoes. They sit down; get the socks and shoes on. As the woman is getting up to leave, the boy says thank you, and she tells him that if he ever needs anything else, to not to be afraid to ask. So he asks, "Are you Gods wife?"

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes God Jokes

I think men need to be married. Women are the other half of our brain. That's why God made us to be a couple. We come up with goofy ideas; the woman will think about that idea and the outcome and what can happen, stop you and save your life. That's why God made man and woman:
'Whoa, man! No!'

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.

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Insult Jokes God Jokes

God did not intend for a woman to weigh 90 pounds, alright? If you do, you are in third grade. Me, personally, I think the only thing that should weigh 90 pounds is maybe one full grown тiттy.

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

If God had intended us to fly... he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

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God Jokes One-Liner Jokes

After Florida coach Steve Spurrior passes away and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Steve a little 2-bedroom house with a faded UF banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your home, Coach. Most people don't get their own house up here," God exclaims.
Little Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. LSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge purple and gold LSU banner hanging between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the home, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little 2 bedroom house with a faded Florida banner, and Nick Saban gets a mansion with new LSU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies,
"That's not Saban’s house, that's mine!!!!!"

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Sports Jokes God Jokes

I even shaved above the knee for this one, you guys. Woo-hoo! I am feeling saucy now. You ever have somebody talk you into shaving the whole thing off? God, it looks so sтuрid. I look like a great big nакеd baby.

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God Jokes Dirty jokes

If a Jehovah’s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he’s not home?

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Religion jokes God Jokes

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."
"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes

At a Sunday school class the teacher asked a child; do you pray to God before lunch or dinner?
The child said, “No ma'am, my moms a good cook!”

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School Jokes Kids Jokes God Jokes

I get no sleep -- Jehovah's Witnesses always knocking on my door. The worst part about it is that I live right next to the temple, so I'm their first stop. I let them in, I talk to them; I don't care. One time I let this dude in, it was around 5:30 in the morning. I let him inside, walk into the living room; I sat him down. I said, 'What is it you have to tell me?' He looked at me, he said, 'I don't know, I never made it this far.'

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God Jokes

A politician died and went to the pearly gates. He peered over the angel's shoulder and saw several clocks. He asked the angel what the clocks represented. The angels told him the hands of the clock only move when someone is lying.
The man saw George Washington's clock on the wall and asked the angel about George's clock. “The hands only moved once. That was the time he lied to his father about the cherry tree.”
Then the man saw the clock that belonged to Abe Lincoln and asked about the hands on his clock. “The hands did not move because he was known as 'Honest Abe.'”
“Where is my clock?”
“Oh, it's in God's office. He is using it as a ceiling fаn."

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Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Political Jokes

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gаy marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes

The Greek god Zeus was flying over a Greek island and noticed a nакеd woman washing herself, so he swooped down and made love to her.
Then he said, “In 9 months you shall have a child and you shall call him Hercules!”
And the woman replied “In 9 days you shall have a rash and you shall call it hеrреs.”

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Sex Jokes

Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.

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God Jokes

Two Antartians were walking down the street. One stops and says,
"Oh my god!!! A dead bird." The other looks up and says,
"Were, were?"

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God Jokes