Good jokes

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A priest falls into water and soon starts to drown. But his faith in God is strong and he knows God will save him.
A small boat rows to him and offers help. “No! God will help me, thank you!” gasps the priest and continues drowning.
A second, вiggеr boat comes by soon and tries to get the man out of the water. “No!” fights the priest. “God alone will save me!” The boat leaves and the priest finally drowns.
In heaven, he feels quite betrayed and goes to ask God about it.
“Well, you моrоn,” thunders the Lord, “and who do you think sent all those ships?!”

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A drunк guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“
A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiот at all.”
“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”

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Did you pass the driving test?
No I didn't.
Why not?
I overtook another driver.
Why would that mean you didn’t pass the test?
Well the other driver was a ghost driver.

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***Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a sтrоке of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.
The genie grants each of them one wish.
The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.
The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.
The third guy says,
"It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

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A duck walks into a bar.
It asks the barkeeper:
“Do you have bread?”
Bartender:
“No.”
Duck:
“Do you have bread?”
Bartender:
“No!”
Duck:
“Do you…”
Bartender:
“Listen! I have no bread and if you ask me one more time, i’m gonna nail you to that wall!!!”
Duck:
“Do you have nails?”
Bartender:
“No!”
Duck:
“Do you have bread?”

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Why does a room crowded with happy couples seem so empty?
There’s literally not a single person in there.

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Good jokes

God finally perfected the 24-hour cycle on Earth, with darkness and light taking turns. He looked upon it and saw that it was good. An angel asked him admiringly, “Amazing! What now, Lord?”
“Hm,” said the Lord, “I think I’m gonna call it a day.”

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I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.
There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"
I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.
As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said,
"Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."

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Of all the dogs, a Hot Dog is the nicest; it feeds the hand that bites it.

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Two boys are walking outside and one of them finds a hundred dollar bill.
His friend suggests that they should take it to the lost-and-found office.
The boy replies:
“No point. This is my mom’s money.”
His friend is startled, “But how can you know that?”
“Because my father keeps saying that my mother is just throwing money out the window.”

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A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.
When he finally leaves at 4:30, he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, crawls, gets back up.
On an on he goes on doing this until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.
In the morning, his wife sighs, 'you’ve been drinking again, Joe, haven't you?'
‘How on Earth could you guess that, darling?'
'You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!'

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An English teacher asks Little Johnny:
“Make an opposite of this sentence: ‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’”
Little Johnny:
“Errors in the dark usually make children."

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A man to a psychiatrist:
“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies:
“We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles:
“Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies:
“No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

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I’m very sorry about all those texts I sent you last night, unfortunately, my phone was drunк.

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Chief surgeon comes across a young doctor just leaving the operating room and claps him on the shoulder, “So, how was your first operation, Noel?”
The young doctor turns bright red and stammers, “Um… operation? I thought it was an autopsy?”

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Before you say something harsh about someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.

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It’s very convenient because even if you’re really rude, you’re a mile away AND you’ve got their shoes.

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My father is such a crybaby. Every time my mother's away from home, he has to go and sleep over at Judith's, our neighbor.

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I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.

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A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”

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Good jokes