Good jokes

Newest jokes in this category

A plane with 4 people on board is about to crash. The 4 people are the pilot, the president, the world’s smartest man and a ten-year-old. They only have 3 parachutes between them.
The president cries:
“I’m the president, people need me to live!” and he jumps out.
The world’s smartest man cries, “I’m the world’s smartest man, I’m needed in the world!” and he jumps out.
The pilot sighs and says, “You take the last parachute, kid, I’ll go down with the plane, that’s my job.”
The kid smiles, “No need, there are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest man took my backpack.”

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Why does a French airport strike always have to last a few days?
So that people can distinguish between a strike and a regular delay.

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If somebody calls you ugly, you can just say, “You’ve mistaken me for your mirror again, didn’t you?

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“Captain, we ran out of ice cubes!”
Captain:
“I have an idea. Machine room: 10 degrees starboard!”
(True story of the Titanic)

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College is really just kidnapping done backwards.
If you don’t give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we’ll send you your child back.”

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In the World War II, the Soviets used the raised fist, the Germans the raised hand and the Americans the two fingers of V for victory as a greeting. Sounds suspiciously like a secret game of rock, paper, scissors to me.

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Do you know the difference between a living room and a bathroom?
- [No] -
No? Oh, I don’t even want to know what your place looks like.

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I sniffed some Coke when I was a teenager, just to see what it’s like, but the bubbles were just too unpleasant in my nose.

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The stationary shop moved. It really surprised me.

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Hearing all the „work from home” recommendations, my neighbor was not amused.
Her husband is a pathologist.

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A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building:
“Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“

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What should you call an absolutely average potato?
A commentator.

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If you can't decide between running and eating chocolate, run to the store for some chocolate.

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I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

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My great grandfather’s been to the Titanic. He was warning the people that it was going to sink right from the start. But nobody paid attention.
Great gramps persevered, but everybody refused to listen.
He kept trying and trying, but all it got him was getting kicked out of the cinema.

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That awkward moment when your friend told you their dog died, and, without thinking, you say, “Oh no, that must have been ruff…”

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How can you tell a programmer is an extrovert? When you’re talking to him, he’s looking at your shoes.

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A fine is a tax when you’ve been doing something wrong. A tax is a fine you get when you’ve been doing something right.

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The local gene pool looks like it could use quite a bit of chlorine.

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A police officer stops a car and says:
“Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?”
The driver gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!” The wife cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunк!”
A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen car!”
A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey, are we past the border now?”

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Good jokes