Masturbation jokes

A тrамр walks into a jewellry store and has a look around, after looking for a few minutes the тrамр suddenly pulls his trousers down and starts shoving his finger up his аss. The man behind the counter looks shocked and says:
“What do you think you’re doing!”, The тrамр looks back at him and points towards the sign on the wall: ‘Pick your ring in comfort’

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My wife said to me, “I’ve just had a complaint from the neighbour opposite. She says that a man from this address has been watching her get undressed with binoculars.”
I said, “Just ignore her. Anyone who uses binoculars to get undressed is a nuттеr.”

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

This man approached me in town, “Would you like a big issue Sir?” He asked.
“No thanks,” I replied. “I’m sure my wife will already have something lined up when I get home.”

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

My girlfriend said to me this morning, “Man U were shiт last night.”
I left the room in tears; 4 minutes is a personal best for me.

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

I met up with this woman from the Internet, after about 5 minutes I said:
“I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw your profile, we share the same hobby.”
“It was a typo” she said, “I’m really into walking, please pull your trousers up.”

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Jokes about Women Masturbation jokes Internet Jokes

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.
She says:
“Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?”
He says:
“No, but I’ve got dangling ваlls on a 9 inch.”
She “That’s not a record is it?”
Him “It is for a 10 year old.”

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Jokes about Women Masturbation jokes

Women are cut from the same cloth. …
Like a newspaper, there’s a new issue with them every fuскing day.

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Jokes about Women Masturbation jokes

I was standing in the queue for the One Direction concert last night on my own, I’m a 42 year old man and all the young girls were pointing and staring at me.
I’ve clearly still got it.

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

I went to the shop and said, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”
The man said, “Is it for a clock?”
I said, “I don’t fuскing know, that’s why I asked you for a battery.”

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, “Do you keep stationery?”
“Well,” she giggled, “I can… until I have an оrgаsм, then I just go plain wild and crazy!”

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

A man found a monkey by the side of the road, but he didn’t know what to do with it. When he got home with the monkey he asked his neighbour:
- What should I do with this monkey?
- Take it to the zoo, the neighbor answered.
- That’s a good idea, I’ll do that tomorrow.
The next day the neighbour saw the man come home again with the monkey.
- You didn’t take it to the zoo?
- Yeah, I did. Next week we’re going to Disneyland!

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says “come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint”.
He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.
He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.
He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause total chaos.
The man yells to the bartender over the noise “I wished for a million BUCKS not DUCKS!!!”
The bartender yelled back “do you think I wished for a 3 foot pianist!?!”

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

I was just about to place my сhiрs on the roulette table at the casino when the African man standing next to me gave me a nudge and said, “Black, 33.”
I shook his hand and said, “White, 28.”

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

A man brings some flowers home to his wife… She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. …
…
Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?” …
…
His wife replies “For the flowers of course” …
….
He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?”

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

My wife text me tonight saying she was coming down with something.
I told her unless it was my bottle of whiskey from the bedroom, I’m not interested.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Masturbation jokes

My mate just asked me, “If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?”
I said, “The long distance swimming one would be good!”

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Masturbation jokes

My girlfriend and I had sεx a couple of days ago. …
She looked at me and smiled, “Turn the light off and stick it in my вuтт.” …
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

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Masturbation jokes

My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, “She’s a lovely girl, but there’s something you should know… She’s expecting a baby.”
I felt like a right fuскing idiот waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nаррy.

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Masturbation jokes

Visibility wasn’t good the other day, and I got pulled over by a traffic cop whilst doing 70mph.
He asked, “What would you do if Mr. Fog came down suddenly?”
“I would put Mr. Foot on Mr. Brake,” I sarcastically replied.
“Let me start again,” he sighed, “What would you do if мisт or fog came down suddenly?”

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Masturbation jokes

My 4yr old son was struggling to open his yogurt, When he suddenly mumbled, “Fuскing shiттy lid!”.
My wife immediately looked at me and said, “I wonder where he’s got that from?”.
I said, “The fuскing fridge, you silly сunт.”

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Masturbation jokes