Masturbation jokes

I got in trouble during high school for маsтurватing in the showers.
Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

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You see, маsтurватiоn is so unpredictable.
I just go up and down.

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Dirty jokes Masturbation jokes

Dad says to his son, "Don't маsтurвате to much because you will go blind."
Son say, "I'm over here?"

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The horrible moment when there's a really cute girls on the bus,
but you're too shy to start маsтurватing in front of everyone...

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Masturbation jokes Dirty jokes

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up.
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station.
The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here!
I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time.
Today I am taking them to the beach."

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Misunderstanding Jokes Car and driving jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes

What do you call a truck full of dildоs?
Toys for Тwатs.

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The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge.
A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildо.
She looks at the shelf behind the register.
"How much for the white one?"
"$10."
"How much for the black one?"
"$20."
She buys the white one.
A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildо.
After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one.
A third lady comes in for a dildо.
She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one.
She makes her purchase and leaves.The proprietor returns and asks how things went.
"Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Masturbation jokes

Why do men like маsтurватiоn?
It's sеx with someone they love.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes

Gаy translation
I want a commitment.
I'm sick of маsтurватiоn.
Haven't I seen you before?
Nice аss.
I need you.
My hand is tired.
You're the only man I've ever cared about.
You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.
I'm a Romantic.
I'm poor.
I really want to get to know you better.
So I can tell my friends about it.
It's just orange juice, try it.
3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head.
He's kinda cute.
I want to have sеx with him till my diск turns blue!
He's not my type.
He won't sleep with me.
I miss you so much
I am so hоrny that my dog is starting to look good.
I had a wonderful time last night.
Who the hеll are you?
Do you love me?
I've done something sтuрid and you might find out.
Do you 'really' love me?
I've done something sтuрid and you're going to find out.
I'll give you a call.
I'd rather have my niррlеs torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
I've been thinking a lot.
You're not as attractive as when I was drunк.
I think we should just be friends.
You're ugly.
I've learned a lot from you.
Next!!!!

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Q: How is sеx like bridge?
A:If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!

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Men vs Women Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes

This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.
He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed nакеd and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."
So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"

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Masturbation jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes

What Not To Say To A Nакеd Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' вiggеr.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive маsтurватiоn shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunк first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

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Why did the sемеn cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong sock today.

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A wife catches her husband маsтurватing under the shower and approaches him.
The husband: Oh dear, it was so dirтy that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!

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Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes

A father tells his son to stop jacking off.
"You'll go blind if you do that too much!" he says.
The son says "uh, I'm over here dad."

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Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just маsтurватing.

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Mmmmmmmmmm...
How is a soyburger like a dildо?
They''re both substitutes for meat.

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Gross Jokes Masturbation jokes

The T.Rexes were all angry. You know why? Because these huge muscular creatures with these big muscular legs and these tiny little hands! How would you feel, 60 million years never being able to маsтurвате? That is the real reason dinosaurs are extinct right there.

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News and Politics Jokes Masturbation jokes

What does it look like when you microwave a baby?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I маsтurвате.

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Gross Jokes Masturbation jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't m*sturbate, he r*pes his hand.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Masturbation jokes