Masturbation jokes

“What would you like?” says the barman.
“What would I like?” says Bob. “A вiggеr house, more money and a more attractive wife.”
“No,” says the barman, patiently. “I meant what do you want?”
“To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!”
“What’s it to be?” says the barman, less patiently.
A boy or a girl, I don’t care.
You misunderstand me, says the barman, impatiently, I only asked what you want to drink.
Oh, says Bob, I see. Why didn’t you say so? What have you got?
Nothing at all, says the barman. I’m perfectly healthy.

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I was sitting in the office when a young, sеxy secretary walked in.
“I can get you to the top, if you play your cards right, know what I mean ?” I winked.
She smiled.” I sure do.” She said, before falling to her knees and suскing my соск.
After she was done she asked. “So how quick can you get me a promotion?”
“Promotion?” I laughed. ” I’m only here to fix the elevator,love.”

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Office and Work Jokes Masturbation jokes Secretary Jokes

One day a police officer was driving her squad through the cemetery as police officers do on the midnight shift.
She came upon an motor with its headlights off and no persons were visible.
The officer exited her vehicle and approached the suspicious auto and noticed two youthful occupants jump up and began to button their clothing.
The officer stated, “Didn’t you see the sign on the front gate - closed after 6:00 P. M.?” The youth responded, “No ma’am, officer.
We came in the back gate where it says get lots while you’re young!!

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Masturbation jokes

This big mean-looking сunт squared up to me in the pub last night and said, ‘I heard you’re a рооf.’I replied, ‘No, that’s just a misunderstanding. I did once have sеx with someone who had a mustache, but that was just your mum”

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Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

When I was a kid, my dad use to say:
“Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road, by trying the untried.”
Probably why I fail my driving tests.

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Kids Jokes Masturbation jokes Dad Jokes

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of vоdка, a pack of Pringle’s, the remainder of bottle Prozac and Vаliuм prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake an a box a chocolates. You have no idea how вlооdy good I feel. I could fuск a Duck…!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Masturbation jokes

I bumped into an old friend today with his son, who was wearing a school uniform.
I said to his son, “Wow, look how big you are getting. What year are you in?”
He said, “2015, like everyone else.”

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School Jokes Masturbation jokes Friendship Jokes

I was walking down this street and this really sеxy woman tells me, ‘Oh my god. You are so hot. I want you to fuск me right now!’
It’s true. You can ask Brad Pitt, he was right behind me.

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My friend said to me, “My wife makes Susan Boyle look beautiful.”
I said, “Thank God you said that. I’ve been wanting to say something for years. She’s so fuскing ugly. What were you thinking when you married her?”
He said, “…No, you fuскing сunт, she’s Susan’s new personal make-up artist.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Masturbation jokes Friendship Jokes

I was invited to a sеx оrgy at the weekend by this girl from work.
“I can’t come” I said
“That’s nothing” she replied “There’s a guy there that has to take viаgrа just to get it up”

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Office and Work Jokes Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes

“Dad, what’s a Тrаnny?” asked my eight year old.
“I’m surprised someone your age knows that word, son,” I replied. “It’s an old name for a portable radio.”
“Now tell me,” I continued. “What do you think of my new dress?”

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Masturbation jokes Dad Jokes

The DJ called me and said, “We are going live in a few seconds, I’m going to ask you what you’re going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.”
“Okay” I replied.
He said, “3…2….1….. Congratulations to Marc, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?”
I said, “I’m going to spend it on air.”

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Money jokes Masturbation jokes

I had just hung up my phone on the train this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, “Excuse me,” said a teenage girl dressed in her school uniform, “I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing and I’m pretty sure it was Beyonce, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna…”
I said, “You’re both wrong, it was my mum.”

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School Jokes Masturbation jokes Friendship Jokes

I was driving through an industrial estate the other day and I saw a big sign that said “Joe’s Тооl Works”.
I thought, “So does mine but I don’t put up a big fuскing sign bragging about it.”

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Office and Work Jokes Masturbation jokes

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
“Afraid not,” said the farmer.
“I’ll give you a thousand bucks!” said the city fella.
“I can’t sell you that horse. He don’t look too good,” replied the farmer.
“I know horses, and he looks fine. I’ll give you two thousand!”
“Well, all right, if you want him so bad.”
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. “You sold me a blind horse!”
“Well,” said the farmer, “I told you he didn’t look too good.”

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes

My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.
He said, “You know, you could do better.”
“Thanks dad, that means a lot,” I replied.
“I was talking to your girlfriend.”

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Masturbation jokes Dad Jokes

A married man keeps telling his wife “Honey, you have such a beautiful вuтт”. Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful вuтт. The man’s birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words “Beautiful вuтт” tattooed on her аss.
She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful вuтт. He looks and says, “You do have a beautiful вuтт”. She then tells the man she wants Beautiful вuтт tattooed on her аss. The man tells her “I can’t fit that on your аss, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful вuтт. She agrees and gets it done.
On the man’s birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says “look honey.” She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man screams “WHO THE FUСК IS BOB?”!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes

Dad and son are in the living room when dad’s feet get cold. “Get my slippers from upstairs,” He says to his son. ……
……
While upstairs he sees two of his sister’s friends, so he goes up to both of them, “My Dad told me to come up here and fuск both of you.” ….
….
“You’re lying” they retort. ….
…..
Okay, I’ll prove it then: (loudly) “Dad, did you say both of them?”
“Of course. What would be the point of fuскing one?”

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Masturbation jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes

My friend brags about having sеx anally with his girlfriend.
So what, I have sеx twice as often as that.

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Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes Friendship Jokes

Grandma said she was going to buy a dog to help fill the hole after Grandad died….. That woman is sick

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