Masturbation jokes

I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.
“Out of the way!” I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.
“Are you a doctor?” one woman screamed.
“No” I replied, “The сunт was delivering my pizza.”

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My boyfriend had a hard time telling his parents that he was gаy because he's from some Christian Right family out in Idaho, and they couldn't deal with any kind of sеxuаl issues at all. When he was 13, his mother caught him маsтurватing, and she freaked out. She smacked him so hard that she knocked him out of their pew.

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A homeless guy knocked on my door last night:
“Excuse me, do you have any spare food?”
“Yeah, do you mind if it’s yesterday’s dinner?”
“Not at all.”
“Come back tomorrow then.”

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Twin sisters in Sunnyside Nursing Home were turning 100 years old. The local newspaper sends a photographer to take pictures…
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other.
“Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman.
Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.”
So they wiggled up close to each other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer.
Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!”

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30 things only us men do:
1. Look in the tissue after blowing our nose.
2. Touch hot things, Just to see how hot it is.
3. Set off early, And arrive late.
4. Order food, And still keep looking at the menu.
5. Fаrт and be proud.
6. Put a sickipedia joke as our facebook status.
7. Beep at girls.
8. Dance to the toilet when out clubbing.
9. Call everyone mate.
10. Dance back from the toilet.
11. Put mobile phone in our front right pocket.
12. Check our phone for no reason.
13. Have a jar for loose change.
14. Hit snooze at least 3 times.
15. Moan about the weather, when inside.
16. Stub our toe, Then blame the thing we stubbed it on.
17. Say ‘I love you too’ Quietly.
18. Sit with our hands down our trousers, and fiddle.
19. Wear a t-shirt in winter, because we’ve been to the gym.
20. Call every woman darling.
21. Check our phone, Again.
22. Рiss in the shower.
23. Fаrт in the bath.
24. Lie about our dreams.
25. Give our car a name.
26. Laugh at the disabled.
27. Маsтurвате, Apparently
28. Lose the house keys, at home.
29. Save a girls number, With a blokes name.
30. Look in the mirror, and tense our arms

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When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” just after a swear word.
I’ll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

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“You’re so childish” screamed the wife. “Why do you always have to use that sтuрid walkie talkie with your sтuрid friends, this is ridiculous, this relationship is over!”
“This relationship is what? Over”

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I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered:
“I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday,” I said. “You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don’t you?”
She said, “Stansted.”
“Вliмеy,” I said, “he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night.”

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Masturbation jokes

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to ваng some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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Pauly’s family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn’t eating much, and she just keeps her head down.
After a few minutes, she says, “I have something to tell you.”
Everyone gets silent and they all listen.
“I am no longer the virgin I used to be.” And she begins to cry.
A long silence, and Mr Pauly speaks to Mrs Pauly, “It’s your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a тrамр. You think that’s an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it’s just terrible; that’s why problems like this come up!”
Then Mrs Pauly lights in on Mr Pauly, “And you! Do you think that you’re a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunк into the house - do you think that’s a good example for a little girl 10 years old?”
Then Pauly charges back in, “And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other - you think that’s a good example too?”
And it goes on and on, back and forth. Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, “Now, darling, how did this happen?
And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing, “Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year.”

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I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear…
I overheard him telling his colleague that I had “Serious healthy shoes.”

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A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber’s head, knocking him unconscious.
“You probably saved my life,” says the grateful Arab. “I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward.”
The golfer glances at his golf bag.
Some golf clubs would be nice, he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh’s secretary calls him up.
We’ve got your golf clubs, she says, but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools.

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Halfway through my shift at the Photo Shop, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his nакеd wife.
Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over.
“Would you like the negatives?” I asked.
“Yes please,” he said sheepishly.
I said, “Your wife’s got saggy тiтs and a fат аss.”

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I маsтurвате in the shower so much, that i get an еrестiоn every time it rains

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Before making any promise to a girl, Маsтurвате twice.
It may change your opinion

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Dirty jokes Masturbation jokes

I tried to sell my Thomas the Tank Engine train set at an antiques shop today.
“You would have got more for it if the fат controller wasn’t missing.” Said the assistant.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” I replied. “The wife is good at haggling.”

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Sven and Ollie live in the same apartment building in identical flats. Sven visits Ollie and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great. “He says, “Ollie, this looks amazing. How many cans of paint did you buy?” Ollie says he bought seven. …..
…
The next day Sven drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat. After few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realizes that he used only three cans of paint. He calls Ollie:
“Hey man I’ve just finished painting the whole place, but I’ve used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!”
Ollie:
“Yeah, me too.”

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I went to the doctor. I said I don’t find my wife attractive any more. He asked, how does your wife feel?
I said, fат and saggy, what about yours?

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Never going to forget my daughter, about 5 at the time, asking me where poo came from. So I explained to her that the food she eat off her plate went into her tummy where it was all squashed up and all the good stuff taken out for her body and all the rest of it gets turned into lumps that come out of a hole in her вuм, and that’s poo. With a horrified look on her face and a trembling voice she asked, ‘And what about Tigger?

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My gran went to the doctors yesterday complaining of a discharge. The doctor told her to take her cloths off and stuck his fingers up her fаnny. Afterwards the doctor asked if she was ok and she replied, “Yes young man it was lovely but the discharge was in my eye.”

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