Money jokes - Page 49

Even Mother Nature has enough sense to stay out of the projects.
You know your neighborhood is bad when the weather don't want to come to it.

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Money jokes

My mom was the kind that'd send us to church but didn't go...
She'd give us scripture and didn't even know it. She just made up books. ''Cause in the Book of Ricky, it says you should give your mama five percent of your gross income.'

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Money jokes

A father and son were on a fishing trip when the dad pulled out a вееr.
"Can I have one, Dad?"
"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"
"No."
"Then you can't have one." The dad took out a cigarette.
"Dad, can I smoke one, too?"
"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"
"No."
"Then you can't have one."
On the way back, the dad bought two lottery tickets, one for his son and one for him. The dad won two dollars and the son won $500. The dad was surprised and a bit jealous.
"You're going to share that with me, aren't you, son?"
"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"
"Yes."
"Then go f**k yourself."

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Money jokes Beer Jokes

Q: What does sеx have in common with a savings account?
A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.

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Money jokes

Q: What are six inches long and irresistible to women?
A: Dollar bills.

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Money jokes

Q: What has six ваlls and rips you off daily?
A: The lottery.

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Money jokes

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sеxuаl sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional. All I want is an occasional piece in the living room."

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Money jokes

Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret?
A: The раnтiеs were half off.

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Money jokes

Once there was a farmer with three sons. He gave a duck to his eldest son and told him to see how much money he could get for it at the market. The eldest son came back later in the day, shouting "Dad, I got $10 for the duck!"
The farmer said "Well done, son."
The next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and he came back with $20. "Well done, son," said the farmer.
He then sent the youngest son to the market to see how much he could get for the duck. On the way to the market, the son met a рrоsтiтuте.
"I'll give you a f**k if you give me that duck," said the рrоsтiтuте. After they did it, the рrоsтiтuте said, "That was so good, I'll give you the duck back if you f**k me again." He did, and then he went on to the market.
On the way, the duck flew out of his arms and was run over by a truck. The truck driver jumped out of the cab and said "Oh no, I'm so sorry! Here's $50 to pay for it."
The youngest son went back to the farm and said to his father, "Hey, Dad! I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and $50 bucks for a f**ked up duck."

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Money jokes

Q: What did one penny say to the other penny?
A: "Let's get together and make some cents."

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Money jokes

When they show you those starving kid commercials, why do they have to show you the starvingest kid they can find?
You know, they have to show you a kid on the side of the road, with flies on it. 'Cause I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, 'I wouldn't go send but five dollars. It takes three days for the mail to get there. By the time my five dollars gets there, that kid's gonna be dead. Show me a kid that's got five or six months left, I can work with him.'

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Money jokes

I don't have a lot of sеx, man.
I really don't 'cause there are lot of obligations that come with sеx... like paying people's rent. It's too expensive.

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Money jokes

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

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Money jokes Veterinarian Jokes Dog jokes

Q: What's the difference between a реnis and a paycheck?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to вlоw your paycheck.

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Money jokes Jokes about Women One-Liner Jokes

They've opened up a new casino for people on welfare.
When you put a food stamp in the slot machine and it lands on three babies, you win a block of cheese!

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Money jokes

Listen, money fall out in front of me, they could come over to my house while I'm standing there in a leather Karl Kani suit, waxing a new Benz - I don't know nothin' about it.

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Money jokes

A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.
Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, "You kids are a lot of fun. I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids continue to do a ваng-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the man tells the kids, "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.
A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. "Look," he says, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. We quit."

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Money jokes School Jokes

When they crucified Jesus, did you know the cross actually fell over and killed a few people?
And, of course, the insurance companies wouldn't pay off on the policy: 'Act of God' - you know how they get away with that one.

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Money jokes Insurance Comedy

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an аss to pay for it all.

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Money jokes

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide and thrills women?
A: Money.

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Money jokes Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes