Money jokes - Page 49

I never tip waitresses, only waiters.
I’m sick of giving money to women for doing what’s expected.

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An old, stingy lawyer was dying and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; "You can't take it with you." He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven. One day the old ambulance chaser died. When his wife was up cleaning in the attic one day, she came across the forgotten pillowcases. She then said to herself, “That old fool. I knew he should have had me put them in the basement!"

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Money jokes Lawyer Jokes Banker Jokes

Money talks – all mine says is ‘Goodbye!’

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Money jokes

A worker approaches his employer and holds up his last wage packet.
‘This is two hundred pounds short,’ he says. ‘I know,’ says the employer.
‘But last week I overpaid you two hundred pounds, and you didn’t say anything.’
‘Well,’ says the worker.
‘I don’t mind an occasional mistake.
But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.’

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple brandy with a double whisky chaser.
‘You know I shouldn’t really be drinking like this with what I’ve got,’ says the man to the barman.
‘Why? What have you got?’ asks the barman. ‘Fifty pence,’ replies the man.

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Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Sаinт Peter is checking ID’s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. “Tell me, what have you done in life?” says St. Peter. …
The Texan says, “Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn’t sit on my laurels-I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.” …
St. Peter says, “That’s quite something. Come on in. Next!” …
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, “I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn’t selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.” …
“Wonderful!” says Sаinт Peter. “Come in. Who’s next?” …
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, “Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.” …
“Heavens!” says St. Peter. “What instrument did you play?”

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

Here's a list of CLEVER WORDS for CLEVER PEOPLE...
1. Arbitrator
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
2. Bernadette
The act of torching a mortgage.
3. Burglarize
What a crook sees through.
4. Avoidable
What a bullfighter tries to do.
5. Counterfeiter
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
6. Left bank
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
7. Heroes
What a man in a boat does.
8. Parasites
What you see from the Eiffel Tower.
9. Paradox
Two physicians.
10. Pharmacist
A helper on a farm.
11. Relief
What trees do in the spring.
12. Rubberneck
What you do to relax your wife.
13. Selfish
What the owner of a seafood store does.
14. Sudafed
Brought litigation against a government official.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Banker Jokes

Chuck Norris has never received an electricity bill, he powers everything with his rage

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Money jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.
Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
There be any "we" in the first place."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

‘I believe that sеx is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.’
Steve Martin

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Money jokes Sex Jokes

What leads most people into debt?
Trying to catch up with people who are already there.

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Money jokes

A blonde walked up to a man and said,
"Give me your wallet."
The man said,
"Okay, but give me the gun."
The blonde gave him the gun and the man gave his wallet.
The man used the gun to steal his wallet back.
The blonde said,
"You're an idiот... There's no bullets in the gun."
The man replied, "You're the idiот... Here's no money in the wallet."

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Money jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes

This antique pocket watch has been in my family for generations.
It’s true.
My grandfather sold me it on his deathbed.

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Grandparent Jokes

‘Money frees you from doing things you dislike, since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.’
Groucho Marx

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Money jokes

There were two prostitutes , one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful рrоsтiтuте used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000. Confused to why the fuск the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful рrоsтiтuте went to the ugly one and asked her.
" Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great ,you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".
On this the ugly вiтсh replied.
" Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have inтеrсоursе I put a small firecracker in my рussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my рussy you ваsтаrd, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".
Hearing this, the beautiful blonde рrоsтiтuте went to the shop to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work. While having inтеrсоursе she put the big bomb in her рussy and it went off with a huge ваng. Then the рrоsтiтuте started shouting as planned:
" You blew up my рussy ... You blew up my рussy".
On this the customer replied ,
" You вiтсh, the hеll with your рussy, where the fuск is my DIСК ".

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Blonde Jokes Car and driving jokes Dirty jokes Money jokes Prostitute Jokes Office and Work Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

How are vending machines and black men similar?
They don't work but they take your money.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Yo mama so poor when I ring her buzzer she says,
"Bzzzzzzzzz."

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Money jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Why do Jews have so big noses?
Because the air is free.

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Money jokes Jewish Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Wife:
"Honey let's play a game?"
Husband:
"Ok, what is the game all about?"
Wife:
"If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."
Husband:
"Ok and if you fail, I will have your salary too right?"
Wife: (smile) "Yes darling."
Husband:
"Ok" (stood up and was ready to run to any direction)
Wife:
"Are u ready?"
Husband:
"Yes, ready."
Wife:
"Turkey"
It has been 4 hours now the husband is still standing at the spot wondering if she meant the country or the bird.

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A guy's walking along the beach and he finds a magic lamp.
He rubs it and two blonde genies come out.
They tell him they'll grant him any three wishes he wants.
So he makes his wishes...
He wakes up in bed with 50 of the most beautiful women he's ever seen and he'd just made love to all of them.
Then he walks outta the bed and opens a treasure chest filled with more money than you could ever imagine...
Then two ККК members come riding in on horses, throw a noose over a tree and hang him...
The ККК members take off their masks and its the two blonde genies one of them says to the other:
"I can understand why he wanted to sleep with all the women, I know why he wanted a chest full of money...
But I can't figure out why the hеll he would wanna be hung like a niggеr..."

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Blonde Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Genie jokes Love Jokes Black People Jokes