Money jokes - Page 58

Congress is going to start paying their own parking tickets. What noble public servants. Imagine the commitment of these people, paying their own parking tickets. Hey fellas, you want to impress us? Pay our parking tickets.

0 0

Money jokes

No matter who's president, it costs us money whatever they like. [Reagan] likes jelly beans. Carter liked peanuts; the price of peanuts went up. When Kennedy was president, you couldn't get a hоокеr for under $75.

0 0

Money jokes Dirty jokes

Who the hеll is ‘Larry’??? Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and,
Linda , his wife says,’where the hеll have u been?’
Larry replies, ‘I was out getting a tattoo.’
Linda frowning: ‘A tattoo? what kind of tattoo did u get?’
Larry: ‘I got a Hundred dollar bill on my private’.
Linda shaking her head in disgust: ‘what the hеll are you thinking? why on earth woud an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his private?’
Larry: ‘Well one, I like to watch my money grow. Two- once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, u can stay right here at home and вlоw a hundred bucks anytime you want.’

0 0

Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Last night I left my dentures under my pillow by accident. The Tooth Fairy must have come by because she left me a pile of Monopoly money with a note saying, "Nice try."

0 0

Money jokes

Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.
“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”
“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.

0 0

Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

These three men went into business together and the first one said:
“I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board.”
“I put up thirty percent of the money,” said the second, “so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer.”
“Well I put up five percent,” pointed out the third partner. “What’s that make me?”
The chairman said, “I’m appointing you vice president of sеx and music.”
“That sounds mighty fine,” said the third man, “but what does it mean?”
“It means what when I want your fсuкing advice, I’ll whistle.”

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Secretary Jokes

Four secrets of a happy marriage.
1. Find a woman who can cook and clean.
2. Find a woman who is an animal in bed.
3. Find a woman with lots of money.
4. Make sure none of these 3 women ever meet each-other.

0 0

Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Relationship Jokes

A guy is walking around an auction and sees a mirror going for $25,000 and finds a lady and asked why it was priced so high? She said the mirror will do whatever you ask it to. So the guy buys the mirror and takes it home, his wife is upset with how much money he just spent on the mirror. When he explains what the mirror does she's like okay let's try it out. Mirror mirror on the wall I want 34 dd and boom she grew large воовs! Then the man walks up and says mirror mirror on the wall I want a diск that touches the ground, boom his legs fell off!

0 0

Money jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

It has been revealed that the latest research shows more money is now spent on воов jobs and Viаgrа than on Alzheimer’s research.
This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky тiтs and stiff соскs, but have absolutely no idea why.

0 0

Money jokes Old People Jokes Boob Jokes

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

I don't believe in cancer walks. Well, I believe in them because they exist but I'd rather just give money straight up and save my Saturday afternoon. I can make my own t-shirt, that's not incentive. Plus I don't think cancer responds to how far people walk. I don't think cancer's sitting at home, 'What? How many people walked how far? How many people walked how far wearing the same shirt? That's crazy! I'm out of here!' Remission.

0 0

Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time.
“Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.
“No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit!”

0 0

Jokes about Women Money jokes

"Mom, I wish I had the enough money to buy an elephant."
The mother asked,
"Why do you want an elephant?"
The boy replied, "I never said I wanted an elephant, I just wish I had that much money."

0 0

Money jokes

I married my wife for sеx, she married me for money…now we’re fсuкing even!

0 0

Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes

To find a woman, you need time and money. Therefore woman=time×money. "Time is money" so time=money. Therefore woman=(money)². "Money is the root of all problems," money=?problems. Therefore woman=(?problems)² so woman=problems.

0 0

Jokes about Women Money jokes

Got thrown out a Sтriр club last night for using monopoly money. I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake воовs.

0 0

Money jokes Dirty jokes

They can make a lot of money off of sending people to jail these days because it's like prison-for-work camps and things like that. And did anybody know that three of the biggest shoe companies have invested in the prison system now? So you know what comes next? Prison commercials. Can you see some of the brothers in there doing a shoe commercial? Live from jail? 'If I'd a had these on, dog, I'd a got away.'

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Police Officer Jokes

My Girlfriend told me:
"You have nothing but Jokes! Why can't you ever be serious for once! Hey, you could even make a fine husband one day! Hint!"
"Oh, seriously?" I said (thinking I'm not ready for a commitment yet).
She replied, "Of course, I have always dreamed of the fairy tale wedding and having 6 kids just like the Brady Bunch."
So I replied back, "Well, you're right Honey, I do need to take things more seriously. Actually, I was thinking about changing my profession from Delivering Pizzas to being a Famous Writer."
My Girlfriend says,
"Now your talking! I know that's not steady money but anything but more jokes!"
So I said back, "Honey, I know how important you want us to get married and have 6 kids like the Brady Bunch. So how does it sound to you if we discuss our future of a Big wedding and lots of kids!"
My Girlfriend says,
"Really?" (She blushes and looking very hopeful.)
I said,
"Of course! So where to you want us to get married? In Chapter 2 or 3?"

0 0

Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Relationship Jokes

There's no relationship here, Travis. I tell you what I want: you go get it; I give you some money; then, you go away -- like a food hоокеr.

0 0

Money jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Relationship Jokes

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How about it ваве ? You and me ?”
As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”
She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

0 0

Jokes about Women Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes