Money jokes

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He Was A Sаinт ….
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Two brothers were incredibly mean - they lied, cheated, stole, blackmailed, you name it, they did it. Well, anyway, they managed to acquire a lot of money. Then, one of the brothers died. The other brother came to the local priest and said, “You know how much you’ve been wanting to get a new веll tower on the church? Well, if - during my brother’s funeral - you call him a sаinт, I’ll write you a check for the tower right here and now.” Well, the priest thought about it and agreed.
However, during the eulogy, the priest was completely honest about the deceased brother, highlighting each of his faults. (it was a very long speech) Of course, the decease’s brother was very angry, as the priest was not following through on their deal. The priest did fulfill his promise, and ended the eulogy with, “but, compared to his brother, he was a sаinт.”
Money jokes Sick and Death Jokes
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon. Com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".
BARE: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i. E. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Secretary Jokes
Money jokes Friendship Jokes
Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes
The afternoon before the wedding, the groom Josh and his dad Dave are sharing a drink among the guests. Dave makes a bet with his son… …
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“$500, even money, that I can shаg your mother tonight more times than you sсrеw the brains out of your new filly,” dad says. …
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It sounds like a sure bet to Josh and he shakes his old man’s hand… “You’re on, dad.” …
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The wedding and reception go off without a hitch. Later, back home, Josh’s dad climbs in bed and his wife finds him very amorous. When he’s done, he looks over at the night stand for something to tally his accomplishments, No pen or paper, but his eyes rest upon a pointed letter opener. Dave looks at the old, dark varnish on the bed’s headboard and proudly gouges a deep, bold tick-mark into it. ….
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After a short snooze Dave nudges his wife and they go at it again. A little winded, Dave scratches another tick-mark alongside the first one. …
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Dave falls asleep again, but wakes up, determined not to lose the bet. It takes him quite a while to сliмаx, and he is quite out of breath. It is all he can do to scratch the third tick-mark and he falls on his pillow and sleeps hard. …
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About 11AM, he is shaken awake by his son. “Dad! Dad! my wedding night was fabulous! How about - ” Josh stops mid- sentence looking at the headboard. …
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“Wooohoo, dad! ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN??? Wow, you beat me by three!”
Money jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes
Five cannibals get hired on as engineers at a large International Company…. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for a meal, so please don’t eat any of the other employees.” The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?”
The cannibals all shake their heads no. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, “Which of you idiots ate the janitor?”
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Vice Presidents, Corporate Lawyers, and Regional Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!”
Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Lawyer Jokes