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Three guys are at the gates of Heaven, and God tells them, "We have a special today! If you died a terrible death, you're in for free." So God asks the first guy his story. "I was a hard working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me. One day, I called in sick to work and left for home to hide and closely watch my apartment. I saw a man go in, and I decided to wait a few minutes to catch them in the act. Then, I started ваnging on my door. They wouldn't open it, so I broke down the door and walked in to see my wife sitting nакеd, but the man wasn't in sight. I went to the balcony, where I saw a nакеd man hanging on the edge. I began to stomp on his hands until he fell down, but there were bushes, so I got my fridge and tossed it on him. In the process of tossing the fridge, I also fell over and died." God replies,
"Wow, that's pretty bad, finding out your wife cheated and falling off your balcony. You pass." The second guy says, "God, my only сriме was that I enjoyed dancing nакеd in my apartment while eating pickles out of the jar. I was doing just that one day, when I slipped on a pickle and fell over my balcony. Luckily, I was able to grab on to the ledge below mine. After a few minutes, a man came and I thought he was going to rescue me, but he began to stomp on my hands. I fell, but luckily, I fell into the bushes. I thought I had survived, but that man threw a fridge at me and I died!" God replies,
"Wow, that's very cruel, being crushed to death." The third man says,
"I died nакеd in a fridge."
Der Himmel ist total überfüllt. Petrus und der Chef einigen sich darauf, künftig nur noch Fälle aufzunehmen, die eines besonders spektakulären Todes gestorben sind! Es klopft an der Himmelstür,... Klingelt’s an der Himmelstür. Petrus geht hin und öffnet: „Tut mir leid, wir sind so gut wie voll - wir können nur noch ungewöhnliche Todesfälle aufnehmen!“ „Ich bin ein ungewöhnlicher Todesfall!... - A trecut ceva vreme de cand am aflat ca nevasta-mea are o relatie extraconjugala... asa ca intr-o zi am decis sa merg acasa intr-un moment neprevazut si, evident, am gasit-o pe nevasta-mea... Szent Péternél egyszerre három ember jelentkezik felvételre. Péter úgy gondolja, előbb meghallgatja az embereket hogy hogyan haláloztak el. Az első elkezdi: - Megyek haza és benyitok az ajtón.... Er komt een man bij de hemelpoort en zegt god: "Je mag er alleen in als je een goed verhaal hebt. "Nou", zegt die man, "ik vermoedde al een poos dat mijn vrouw vreemd ging en dus besloot ik vandaag... Deux hommes meurent et arrivent au Paradis. - De quoi êtes-vous morts ? leur demande Saint Pierre. - De joie, dit le premier. - De froid, dit le second. - Ah ! Reprend Saint Pierre, racontez-moi...
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This story has great suspense…!!!!!
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know…
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232,784 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the кnов, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the кnов, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
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And God said to Adam - I will make you a woman.
What is a woman Lord?
God replies, “A woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without complaining. She will provide every sеxuаl fantasy you will ever think of and meet all your sеxuаl needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”
“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”
“Not so fast,” said the Lord, “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”
“How much,” asked Adam
“An arm and leg,” God replied.
Adam thought about this for a moment, and then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”
And the rest is history!
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Clocks in Heaven
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s President Obama’s clock?” asked the man.
“Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He uses it as a ceiling fаn.”
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God’s vacation
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God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, “You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?”
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St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, “How about Jupiter? It’s nice and COOL there this time of the year.”
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God shakes His head before saying, “No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.”
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“Hmmm,” St. Peter reflects. “Well, how about Mercury?”
“No way!” God about screams. “It’s way too hot for me there!”
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“I’ve got it,” St. Peter says, his face lighting up. “How about going down to Earth for your vacation?”
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Chuckling, God remarks, “Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they’re STILL talking about it!”
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Eric went to confession on Saturday and he told Father Duffy that he had an affair with a married woman from the parish. Father Duffy asked Eric who she was and Eric said,
"Father, I can't tell you."
Father said,
"If you don't tell me I can't give you absolution."
Eric again said,
"I know Father, but I just can't tell you."
Father Duffy then asked,
"Was it Mrs. Murphy?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mrs. O'Brian?"
"No, Father. I just cannot tell you who it was."
Father Duffy tells Eric to go out and think about it and then come back when ready to confess who it was. Eric leaves the church and runs into his friend Jim. Jim asks, "Did you tell him you had the affair?"
"Yes. He wanted to know who it was, but I wouldn't tell him."
"What did he say? Did he give you absolution?"
"Oh no, but he did give me three new possibilities........"
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A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber shoes.’
The entire congregation said, ‘Amen.’
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how, after the worship service, he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the
Church building.
Therefore, he was slightly annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," said the minister. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in difficulty. The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.
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