School jokes, Teacher Jokes

It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year. To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride." The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride." The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book."
"Which one?" asks the teacher. "Winnie-the-S**t!"

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A little boy came home from school one day and told his mother, "Mom, today I heard some older kids using some words I don't know the meaning of. Can you tell me what they mean?"
''Sure,'' his mother said. ''Just tell me what they are.''
The little boy replied, ''P***y and вiтсh.''
His mother said, ''No problem. A рussy is a cat, like the neighbor's Tabby, and a вiтсh is a female dog, like our Sandy.''
The boy thanked his mother, and then went out to the garage, where his father was working. ''Dad,'' he began, ''today I heard some kids using some words that I don't know the meaning of. I asked Mom, but I don't think that she gave me the right answer. Can you help me?''
''Sure,'' his father replied. ''What are the words?''
''P***y and вiтсh,'' the boy replied.
His father said, ''I thought I told you anytime you have a question like that, you were supposed to ask me, and not your mother, because she can't handle it.'' With that, he reached up on a shelf and pulled down an edition of Рlаyвоy magazine, and a magic marker. He then took the marker, and drew a circle around the woman's genital area. ''Son,'' he began, ''everything inside this circle is a p***y.''
''Okay,'' his son said, ''but what is a вiтсh?''
His father said, ''Everything outside this circle.''

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Sports Jokes School Jokes

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to sсrеw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.

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School Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

Q: What is long and hard to a blonde?
A: Fourth grade.

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School Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the соndом display. Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one соndом?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples - you know, January, February, March."

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School Jokes

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Сосаinе from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Сrаск from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judаs" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judаs?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

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School Jokes

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Воnк (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Воnк after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Воnк had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page...
WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

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School Jokes Friendship Jokes Monday jokes

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

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School Jokes

Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the desert and can only bring one personal item.
"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.
"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.
The third criminal looks proud of himself. "I brought a car door, so when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

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School Jokes

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam).
There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.
The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "Is everything okay?" "Sure," I said, "why? "Well, here's your test," he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "Can you explain why you chose an 'A' for everything?"
Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, "Well, I've always wanted to be an 'A' student."

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School Jokes

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Вuтт."
The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Вuтт."
The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Вuтт."
The girl exclaims, "Glad Аss - Happy Вuтт - what's the difference?"

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School Jokes

How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

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School Jokes Insult Jokes

Q: What was the geometry student looking for at the beach?
A: A tangent.

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School Jokes

The way this game works is every time the word f**k is used (in any form, ex.
f**king, f**ker, etc.), or the word dude (in any form, ex. "his dudeliness, the dudester, etc.) is used, you take a drink. If you've seen the movie, you'll know that after five minutes of playing, you should be dialing 9-1-1. The main character's name is "Dude" and swearing, especially with the f-word, is quite excessive. Because both dude and f**k are used so much during the movie that we altered the rules to include that you can choose to only drink when one or the other word is said.
I can promise you this: Playing this game makes the movie make a lot more sense.

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School Jokes Office and Work Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "реnis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "реnis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "реnis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I - I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know - the more you rub it, the вiggеr it gets?"

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School Jokes

An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens. The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time!"
Several days later, the headlines in the local newspaper read: "Body of Nакеd Auburn Student found in Tunnel, Run Over by Train."

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School Jokes American Jokes

A question had appeared in a student's medical examination which read: "List four benefits of вrеаsт milk." A student began to answer the question: 1. No need to bottle it. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. But the fourth point eluded him.
When there were barely a couple of minutes before the exam ended, the fourth point flashed before his mind. So he completed the answer by writing: 4. Available in attractive containers.

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School Jokes

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

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School Jokes

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope. But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.
"Those are sреrм cells."

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School Jokes

I thought it would be so easy to meet guys when I got out of college because it was very easy to meet guys in college.
I mean, this was really all you had to do to meet some guy in college: 'Oh my God, I am so wasted!'

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School Jokes