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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message.
Have a good flight!

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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Q: What was Нiтlеr's favorite drink?
A: Concentrated jews.

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An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert and demands to see the ruler of all this planet and make it bow to his will, except he made two grave mistakes, first he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night and second he didn't know anything about the inhabitants.
So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump and demands it to take him to the leader.
Well it's a gas pump so it doesn't say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says
"This is the last time I ask earthling!"
Just then his general whispers to him "Hey calm down buddy don't mess with this guy, he's a badass мотhеrfuскеr".
Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM!
A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away.
As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks "We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I've never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass мотhеrfuскеr?"
The general looks over and says "Man if you could wrap your diск around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass мотhеrfuскеr."

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Q: What is the difference between baby and knitting?
A: Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two ваlls!

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Q: What did Нiтlеr get his granddaughter for her 5th birthday?
A: An easy bake oven.

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Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.

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Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere

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Q: What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?
A: A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.

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Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall?
A: Depends on how deep you stack them.

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Q: What was the one thing Нiтlеr did well?
A: Кill himself.

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Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common?
A: Both their moms are going to кill them!

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Q: What's more offensive than a truck full of dead babies?
A: Taking them out with pitchforks.

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Q: How do you get 15,000 followers?
A: Run through Africa with a water bottle.

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Q: How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
A: I don't know, I just like to hear them scream.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Сhiрs.

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Q: How do you fit 100 Jews in a car?
A: Three in the back, two in the front and the rest in the ashtray.

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What's worse than 11 dead babies stapled to a tree?
1 dead baby stapled to 11 trees.

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