Morbid jokes

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An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

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Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

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My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That's the punch line.

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The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

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I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

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I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

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Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

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Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.

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People with Covid have no taste!

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My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

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I heard Sony is coming out with a new video game console to help us get through the pandemic. It's called the Plaguestation 5.

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I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

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My daughter asked me how stars die. ""Usually an overdose,"" I told her.

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What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.

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Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.

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Since the pandemic started, my husband just stands there sadly looking through the window. I should probably go let him inside.

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After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

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