Morbid jokes

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My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

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When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

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I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

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What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

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I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

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The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

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What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

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Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

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When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

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What is the difference between Iron man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

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Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.

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""I work with animals,"" the guy says to his Tinder date. ""That's so sweet,"" she replies. ""I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?"" ""I'm a butcher,"" he says.

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What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.

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Why was the lереr hockey game canceled? It was because of a face-off in the corner.

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What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its вuтт.

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What’s the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes

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Why are friends a lot like snow? If you рее on them, they disappear.

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