; ; ; My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, “Dave, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock.” Worst advice ever, I could hardly... ; ;

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Stupid / Dumb Jokes

My dad gave me some advice a few years ago.
He said, “Dave, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock.”
Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

I’ve spent five frustrating days repeatedly shouting “Heal!” at my dog.
If it doesn’t work soon, I might just have to take him to the vet.

The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’
‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Samama and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Patel.
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Patel quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Patel.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’
‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Patel leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment? ‘
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Tripod?’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs. Patel fainted

A policeman knocked on my door last night.
He said, “A man was badly beaten up in the pub last night, he has a fractured cheekbone, a broken nose and 2 black eyes.”
“Really?” I asked.
He said, “Yes, we think it was you.”
I said, “Well it wasn’t me, look at my face.”

I’d like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I’m not sure about you people, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.

My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified “No dogs. ” Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn’t in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. “How is everything? ” asked Chuck. “We’re moving ” replied the man. “This is a sick neighborhood. ”
“Why? What happened? ” replied Chuck. The neighbor replied:
“Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage. “

I used to smoke behind the bike shed at my old school.
Fuck knows why. It’s a 10 mile walk from my office.

I was looking at the weather forecast on sky news and the bloke said..”its gonna be between 5 and 7 degrees”
And I thought to myself.. Why didn’t he just say 6 degrees.

It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (Carrizozo, New Mexico) …
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Red cars may not drive down Lake Street (Minneapolis, Minnesota) …
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Marriage between cousins is against the law only if they are younger than 65 (Utah) …
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You are not allowed to eat fried chicken any other way than using your hands (Gainesville, Georgia)…
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In San Antonio, Texas, flirting is against the law. …
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Bear wrestling matches are prohibited (Alabama)
You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit (Wyoming)
It’s illegal to attend a public event or use public transport within 4 hours of eating an onions or garlic (Indiana)
In Idaho, it’s illegal for a man to give his fiancé a box of candy that weighs more than 50 lbs (22.5 kg)

Ollie and Lena visit New York City. Caught in traffic on East 46th, a homeless person starts washing the windshield. Ole rolls down the window. …
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“Eh how’s it going?” the homeless guy says. …
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“Ohhh it’s OK. Ole says. …
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“Hey where are you folks from?”
“Ohh ve’re from Minnesota.”
“Ohhh Minnesota, I’ve been there. I met the ugliest woman I ever saw in Minnesota!”
Lena asks “Vat’s he saying Ollie?”
“Ohhh he says he knows you Lena.”

I tried to buy my dad a World’s Greatest Dad mug for his birthday today.
The cashier told me that I was too late. Somebody else’s dad already is.

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