Newest jokes - Page 118

I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand.
Coincidence?

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Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

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Wine jokes Food Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Funny Riddles Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Communication Jokes

I've trained my dog to bring me red wine.
It's a Bordeaux collie.

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Wine jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dog jokes

Chuck Noris can make grapes from wine.

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Wine jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Always remember: There is not problem that 6 glasses of wine can't solve.

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Wine jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine:
1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

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Wine jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Q: What is the definition of an extroverted tax accountant?
A: Someone who stares at YOUR shoes when talking to you.

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Money jokes Accountant Jokes Communication Jokes Tax jokes

Q: Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant?
A: The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.

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Money jokes Office and Work Jokes Accountant Jokes Tax jokes

I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.

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Office and Work Jokes Communication Jokes

Q: What is height of forgetfulness?
A: Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

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Life Jokes

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunting peckers.

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Blonde Jokes Hunting Jokes

There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever.
Finally, the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation."
Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."

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Customer service jokes

Q: What's the worst part about sеx?
A: When they wake up!

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Sex Jokes

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

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Cheating Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

50Cent used to be called DollarBill but Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked him to the face and now he's half the man he used to be.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes Music and Musician Jokes

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whоrеhоusе!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation.
Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"

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Student jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dad Jokes

Me: "I'm so lonely."
Person: "Hey!"
Me: "Leave me alone."

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Relationship Jokes

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.
The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F**k, I missed."
Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot.
Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f**k’n missed again."
The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f**k" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you."
Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest.
In the distance a deep voice said, "F**K, I Missed."

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Priest Jokes Sports Jokes God Jokes Golf jokes Sick and Death Jokes Sailor Jokes Priest Jokes

One day, a team of blondes and a brunette team took part in a fishing contest. They went to the Frozen Lake and installed from a two different perspectives.
The brunettes were making fish one after another, but the blondes were unlucky.
The blonde team gathered around in a circle and start a discussion about the problem and wanted to find an answer for it.
After two hours they decided to send someone to spy on the other team, so they can find out what the brunettes were doing differently.
The blonde spy goes and hides behind the bushes.
After a while, breathless arrives at her team and screams with joy: "I’ve found it! I’ve found it! We gonna rip them off!"
All the blondes, full of wonder asked her: "Spit it out, what do the brunettes do differently?"
"Whole! They’re opening a whole in the ice!"

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Fishing Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes American Presidents Humor

These two guys are riding in a convertible down a road in the desert, the road runs alongside a railroad as they are driving, as they are driving a train goes past, on the train a guy is on the train, clutching his stomach and grunting, his buddy leans over, and asks him,
"What the hеll is wrong with you?"
The guy replies, "I gotta shiт real bad, and I can't reach the bathroom in time!"
His buddy tells him "Hang your аss out the window, and let it fly."
The guy hangs his аss out the window and the shiт flies back and hits the convertible.
The guys in the convertible say "Dамn, that guy on the train spit tobacco on us!"
The guy asks his friend "Hey, pull over when the train stops and we'll find this guy and kick his аss".
After he finishes talking the guy driving the car slows down.
His friend says "Why are you slowing down, don't you wanna beat this guy up."
His friend says "No!"
The other guy says "Why".
His friend says, "Number one, that is some of the stinkiest tobacco I've ever smelled, and number two, did you see the jaws on that son of a вiтсh!"

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Car and driving jokes Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes Vulgar jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

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