Latest Jokes

Ein Mann geht im Central Park in New York spazieren. Plötzlich erblickt er ein Mädchen, das von einem Kampfhund angegriffen wird. Er läuft hin und beginnt einen wilden Kampf mit dem Hund. Endlich kann er das Tier töten, das Mädchen befreien und so ihr Leben retten. Ein Polizist hat die Situation beobachtet. Er geht zu dem Mann hin, klopft ihm auf die Schultern und sagt:
"Sie sind ein Held! Morgen wird in der Zeitung stehen: Mutiger New Yorker rettet Mädchen das Leben!" Der Mann schüttelt den Kopf und antwortet:
"Ich bin kein New Yorker!"
"Oh," erwidert der Polizist "dann steht morgen in der Zeitung:
"Mutiger Amerikaner rettet Mädchen das Leben!" Wieder schüttelt der Mann den Kopf:
"Ich bin kein Amerikaner!" Verblüfft schaut der Polizist den Mann an und fragt:
"Was sind Sie dann?!"
"Ich bin Pakistani." Am nächsten Tag steht folgende Schlagzeile in der Zeitung:
"Islamischer Extremist tötet amerikanischen Hund. Verbindungen zu Terrornetzwerk vermutet."
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he веnт down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress: Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked. "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said. "Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered. "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked. "And did he give you £500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied. "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying. "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
"My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge. "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?"
Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus." He says.
Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him. "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out. "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods and says. "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a рот of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
The Scouser then calls out. "Oii whack, would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says. "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.....
"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone it's a miracle!"
Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says. "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability!"