Newest jokes - Page 1328

Boy: dad can i take a shower to? Dad: no. Boy: but its my birthday. Dad: ok but dont look down. Boy: (looks down) what is that? Dad: its a lamborghini. Boy: ok. Boy: ( later on) mom can i take a shower to? Mom: no. Boy: but its my birthday. Mom: ok but dont look up or down. Boy: (looks up) what are those? Mom: headlights. Boy: ok (looks down) whats that? Mom: a garage. Boy: ok. Boy: ( later) mom and dad can i sleep with you. Dad: ok but dont looks under the covers. Boy: ( looks under covers) mommy turn on your headlights daddys parking the car in the garage.

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One day a boy parents were arguing so the called each other b*tch and аss holes so the boy asked ' what's a b*tch and and аss hole"
They replied аss hole is another word for gentle man and b*tch is another word for gentle lady" later on the the boy dad was shaving and he cut himself and he shouted shiт the boy asked what does shiт mean his dad replied its another word for shaving cream. Then the little boy went to the kitchen and meet his mom cleaning a turkey she got cut and shouted fuск the little boy asked what is fuск she replied its another word for cutting the turkey just then the door веll rang the little boy ran to answered it and greeted the guest by saying good evening b*tches and аss holes my dad is shaving with shiт and my mom is f*cking the turkey

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Dad Jokes

Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. My wife said, 'Don't make the same mistakes I did.'

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Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said,
"I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee рот for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table, watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirтy socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed,", and he did.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes

A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. His father impress by his son’s kindness, gave him the dollar. “There you are my son,” said the father. “But, tell me, isn’t the little lady able to work any more? “She sells candy” was the boy’s reply.

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Ladies and Gentleman I stand in front of you, to stand in back of you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Last Night in the middle of the afternoon, just before Breakfast, an Empty Garbage truck, loaded with good furniture, almost ran over a dad alley cat. We hurried to the Hospital as slow as we could, and there sat King Auther sitting in a six corner round able eating Вееr with a fork. If you don't believe me ask the Blind man he saw it all................

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Men jokes Dad Jokes

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room.
“How on earth did you manage to do that?” he fumed.
“Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Many many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.
My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Dad Jokes

I never got a birds and the bees speech as a child. The closest thing I ever got -- one time, my dad was cooking breakfast; he's like, 'Sеx is a lot like this egg. First thing you gotta do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then, you gotta take her, сrаск her over the head and lay her out flat, alright? Come on now -- wait 'til she starts sizzlin' really good, then you can flip her on over -- there ya go. Don't get too excited or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.'

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Can’t believe how quickly the batteries keep running out on my smoke alarm. Really need to get my wife some cooking lessons this Christmas.

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Christmas Jokes Relationship Jokes

I’m not allowed to DJ on the hospital radio any more.
Apparently, “Do they know it’s Christmas” is not an appropriate song for the dementia ward.

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Christmas Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

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Christmas Jokes

Why did Santa get arrested?
He got caught laying Barbie under the Christmas tree!

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Dirty jokes Christmas Jokes

If you’re just getting up, leisurely opening your presents and generally enjoying your Christmas Day, spare a thought for the less fortunate at this special time of year and the hardships they have to endure.
People with kids.

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Kids Jokes Christmas Jokes

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe. She says “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.” Santa responds “Но! Но! Но! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgettable.”
Santa responds “Но! Но! Но! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”
Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my diск this way!”

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Jokes about Women Christmas Jokes

Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed!

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Christmas Jokes

Hi, can you come to my house tonight and help put my Christmas Tree up? I want it in my bedroom.

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Christmas Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Bill Cosby loves pudding... Pudding his diск where it don't belong.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

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