Newest jokes - Page 138

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon.

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Animal Jokes

Q: What did the clock do when it was hungry?
A: It went back four seconds.

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Food Jokes

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders.
The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no вiggеr than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"

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American Football Jokes Jokes about Women Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!

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Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Yo mama so dumb she runs to the mailbox whenever her computer beeps: "you have a new mail".

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Yo Momma Jokes

The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries.
The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened."
After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.
"What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!"
Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

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Sports Jokes

Crest fights cavities, Chuck Norris kills them.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

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Blonde Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Stupid Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?
Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first.
Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz.
Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but where's the p?
Malcolm: Miss, it's running down my leg!

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School Jokes Gross Jokes

One day Sven walks into the local pub and announces, "Well boys Svens is getting married."
As you can imagine all of Sven's' friends were very happy for Sven's good fortune and they asked, "Who's the lucky girl?"
Sven replied, "Well I am a marrying Madge."
Well, this upset all of Sven's friends because Madge was nothing but a sluт, and they all cried.
"Sven you can't marry Madge, she's not a nice girl!"
"Sven replied, "Oh ya, Sven's in love and he's a getting married."
And his friends persisted, "Sven, Madge is a woman of low morals."
Sven just grinned and replied, "Oh ya ya ya, but I love Madge."
Finally, his friends had enough and in unison cried out, "But Sven, Madge has been sсrеwеd by every man in town!"
"Oh ya ya ya," said Sven, "But it's not that big of a town."

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Friendship Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Jenna, Jessica and Аriana die.
They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud".
The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy.
Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy.
Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The following day Ariana goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall.
Jenna and Jessica ask, "What happen?"
The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

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Religion jokes God Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Ugly Jokes

Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing their graduation gowns.
"Are you graduates from the city university?" asked the cab driver.
"Yes, sir," they announced proudly. "Class of "99."
The cabbie extended his hand. "Class of "67."

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Car and driving jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Graduation Jokes

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly.
The general told them, "We had a сrаск regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!"

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College jokes Money jokes Military Jokes Accountant Jokes Lawyer Jokes American Jokes

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the вееr vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the веll.
When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Beer Jokes

Let me insert my plug into your socket and we can generate some electricity.

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Flirt jokes

Q: Why did dinosaurs have sеx under water?
A: You try to keep five hundred pounds of рussy wet!

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Sex Jokes Dinosaur jokes

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

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Marriage and Family Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.
Surprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?
The blonde girlfriend replied all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'

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American Football Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Blonde Jokes Soccer Jokes

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.
The bartender pulls out a shotgun and fires a shot, barely missing the man's head.
The man gets up, says thank you, and leaves a tip.
Why the tip and thank you, "because the man had the hiccups."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

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Dark Humor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Boss Jokes

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