Newest jokes - Page 141

Q: What do u call a police officer that works in bed?
A: A undercover cop.

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There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road кill.
The first вuм went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?"
He replied, "No I think I'll wait."
So they continue down the road and the first вuм said, "Look - some more road кill, I'm still hungry. How about you?"
His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait."
The first вuм ate the road кill.
Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street.
Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke.
The first вuм said, "I thought you weren't hungry?"
His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."

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Gross Jokes Food Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?"
Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."

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Divorce Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Relationship Jokes

I need advice please!
My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house. Someone suggested I should just keep them in the attic. So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the "I'm afraid of the dark" or "I don't like it up here - there are spiders" really got on my nerves. Any other suggestions?

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Christmas Jokes

Yo Momma's so fат when she takes a bath she fills the tub then turns on the water.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Kid: "please could I go 2 the toilet"
teacher: "say the alphabet"
Kid: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz"
teacher: "where's the p?"
kid: "running half way down my leg"

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes

Sid and Irv are business partners.
They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.
So Irv dies.
Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.
Then one day he gets a call.
It's Irv.
"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks.
"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sеx, lots of sеx. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sеx. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sеx. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."
"Oh, my God," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?"
"Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

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Sex Jokes Men vs Women Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist?
A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

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Life Jokes

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a вееr can, two were on the phone."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Phone jokes Beer Jokes

A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway: "Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"
Pres says "You think we’re sтuрid boy?"
"We made copies of all the receipts!"

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George W. Bush Jokes Political Jokes Life Jokes Stupid Jokes American Presidents Humor

I was taking a golf lesson at the range one day trying to improve my game.
This old pro was sitting there giving the lesson and after every swing, he said: "your standing too close the ball".
So I adjusted my stance and took another swing.
Again the golf pro looked up from his seat and said the Same thing "you are too close to the ball."
So I stepped back a little more and swung.
This went on for another six swings with the same advice and finally, out of exasperation I screamed what the hеll are you talking about!
The old pro said, "no no, you are too close to the ball after you hit it".

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Golf jokes Communication Jokes

Q: What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A: A baseball bat.

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Dentist Jokes Sports Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

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Men vs Women Jokes Relationship Jokes Communication Jokes Love Jokes Polish jokes

Spilled milk cries over Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Food Jokes

Officer: "your eyes look red man have you been smoking wееd."
Suspect: "officer your eyes look glazed like you has had doughnuts."

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Police Officer Jokes Drug Jokes Flirt jokes

Note to self:
Don’t be the cashier to tell Chuck Norris his coupons have expired.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Q: What does a gаy order in a Chinese restaurant?
A: Sum Yung Gi.

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Asian jokes Food Jokes Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Two husbands were having a conversation,
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

...and then the devil said, "Let's put the alphabet into mathematics."

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Math Jokes

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.”
The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.”
“No, you have to take it,” says the blonde.
“I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”

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Blonde Jokes News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

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