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There were these three girls who were getting married  and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office  to discuss the options of having or not having  a baby right away.
There were two city girls  and one farm girl.  The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential
Husbands  and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor  asked the first girl what type of birth control  she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”.   “That will work,”  said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.”
He asked the second girl  what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills”  she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don ‘t forget to take them”.
He then asked the farm girl  what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.”   After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all tocome back in one year  on a specific date for a follow up  on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim . Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and,  well here I am, going to have a baby.”’
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill .  But we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see,  I too am going to have a baby.”
He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don ‘t have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”
She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up,  and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes,  and when his eyes get as big as saucers ….
“I kick the bucket out from under him”.
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Ben, a taxi driver working the midnight shift was exhausted after a few fares, and decided he needed to take a nap. Parking behind a convenience store, he leaned back and immediatelyfell asleep. About an hour later he was awakened by a knock on the window.
"Can you spare a dime?" asked a homeless man. Even though he was slightly perturbed, Ben reached into his pocket and handed him a dollar. Once again he settled back for a nap. A half hour later, he was again awakened by a knock on the window.
"Brother, can you be so kind to give me a little change?", begged another wayfarer.
More than a little perturbed this time, he throws a dollar at the man and angrily closes his window. Ben then takes out a piece of paper and writes on it, 'I don't have any money!' He sticks it on his windshield and settles back again for a much needed rest. Quickly falling soundly asleep, he was nonetheless awakened by another furious rap on his window. Rolling it down, he saw yet another homeless man. "What in tarnation do YOU want?" Ben yelled.
"I saw the sign on your windshield," the man began, "and since I've been having a pretty good night panhandling, I thought I'd give you a couple of bucks to get you back on your feet."
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.
‘Yeah right!’ she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.  Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.  The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunк from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins
Snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue  ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles.  Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, ‘I don’t know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!
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