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Latest Jokes

I picked this таrт up and said “Right, back to your place for a fuск.”
She said “No, I’m on my period, but you can come in for a drink if you like.”
I said “What do you think I am, a fuскing vampire?”

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Masturbation jokes

“G’Day mate, Aussie help line here………. What’s the problem,…. Cobber?”
“I’m in Darwin with my Sheila and she’s been stung on the мingе by a wasp, and now her рussy has completely closed up.”
“Вuммеr, mate…!!!”
“Thanks mate, I hadn’t thought of that. Bye.”

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Masturbation jokes

I lost my job yesterday because I misunderstood the sign:
“Toilet out of order - Use floor below”

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Masturbation jokes

A preacher said, “Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

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Masturbation jokes

I remember when me and my wife had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.
She said “You liar. You told me you were a stunt pilot.”
I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team”

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Masturbation jokes

My girlfriend just asked me, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”
I said, “Fuск off, it would take fuскing ages to get there on a camel.”

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Masturbation jokes

Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don't dream about a girl that everyone else has.

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Love Jokes

I romantically looked at my girlfriend and said to her, "Love is in the air."
Apparently, she didn't agree. "No, that's pollen."

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Love Jokes

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

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Love Jokes

I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.

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Love Jokes

I am probably single.... Because i didnt forward those chain messages in 2008

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Single People Jokes Love Jokes

I asked my heart, "Why can't I sleep tonight? Could I possibly be in love with someone?"
My heart replied, "Don't act like you are in love with anyone, it's because you slept in the afternoon."

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Love Jokes

All I'm saying is there's a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them...

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Love Jokes

Candice : Knock Knock
Sarah : Who’s there?
Candice: Les
Sarah : Les who?
Candice: Les-be-on each other …

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Knock-knock jokes

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Dave.”
“Dave who?”
Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse.

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Knock-knock jokes

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Look.
Look who?
Look to see who's there will you!

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Knock-knock jokes

Раddy gets home from pub late & very drunк. Wife says “OK smart аrsе, explain the lipstick on ya collar”
“Fuскin easy”, he says…. “I used me shirt to wipe my соск.”

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Irish jokes

My mate Раddy was standing by my window when he started shouting, “Quick, come look at this. That car is shrinking!”
I replied, “Раddy, it’s just driving away.”

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Irish jokes

After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland.
Rescuers were searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they heard a faint Irish voice shout “Help….! Fecking help me…!!!”
The rescuers shouted “Where are you..? ”
Paddy shouts “I’m in room 236” .

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Irish jokes Hotel Jokes

Раddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick up the вlооdy thing.

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Irish jokes