Newest jokes - Page 26

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

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Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day.
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Car and driving jokes

I couldn't understand why it hurts a lot when you bite your tongue accidentally, but it doesn't hurt when you bite it intentionally, and what I couldn't understand most is why you're biting your tongue right now?!

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Life Jokes

Yo Momma is so fат…
when she took her shirt off at the sтriр club,everyone thought she was Jabba The Hut from Star Wars.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes Star Wars Jokes

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing.
You know, a little peace and quiet?”
“Yeah. But today is the last day”.

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what?
We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Baby Jokes

When Chuck Norris crosses the pacific, swimming, sharks hear the "Jaws" music.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

There were these two friends, one who was gаy, who died in a horrible car accident.
They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them.
St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her.
The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time."
St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven.
Now it was the second man's turn.
St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her.
The man replied, "Actually I'm gаy, but here's a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him."
St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.
After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other.
The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard."

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Someone once broke into Chuck Norris' house and instead of stealing anything they gave Chuck Norris everything they owned.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Yo mama is so fат when she farts its noise is just a nightingale.

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Yo Momma Jokes Animal Jokes Fart Jokes

Yo mama is so fат whenever I want to make sеx I would request her to fаrт in order to find the address of her аss.

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Yo Momma Jokes Gross Jokes Sex Jokes Fart Jokes

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didnt want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, Dамn, this one isnt wearing any shoes either.

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Blonde Jokes Jokes about Women Banker Jokes

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, "I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "Of couse it is, dear."
The next day, the blonde said, "I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "Of course it is dear!"
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, "I have вiggеr вrеаsтs then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "No dear, I'm sorry, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."

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Blonde Jokes School Jokes Fitness jokes

Lawyer Kurt: Did the woman standing in the passage subsequently reveal her identity?
Witness: Yes, that's right.
Lawyer Kurt: Who did she say she was?
Witness (seemingly inebriated) : She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

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Judge and Court Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

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Monday jokes

Chuck Norris can split the atom.
With his bare hands.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Science jokes

On a cold day of January, I went to visit one of my friends in his house; it was snowing and my friend urged me to stay the night with him.
They had only 2 rooms one for themselves and other for their baby; so I suggested to rest in baby' room.
In middle of the night, I need WC which was in the garden and was so difficult for me to go there.
I thought some moments then decided to change my place with the baby.
I did so.
And рissеd in the place of baby; when I returned to change again I saw that the baby had shiттеd in my bed!

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Friendship Jokes Gross Jokes Baby Jokes

The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.
The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there, so he told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat.
During the couple’s moment of passion, the cabdriver noticed a fork in the road, and said, "I take the next turn, right?"
"Sсrеw NO, get your own woman," said the groom, "this one’s all mine!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Sex Jokes Wedding jokes Love Jokes Hotel Jokes

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."

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Blonde Jokes

Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner.
We actually talked to each other.
It was awful!

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Old People Jokes Technology Jokes Food Jokes Communication Jokes

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