Newest jokes - Page 326

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station:
Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Веll 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Веll 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Веll 1, I want you to sтriр nакеd. When I say Веll 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Веll 3, we're going to make passionate love."
The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Веll 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.
"Веll 2," and his wife jumps into bed.
"Веll 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes, his wife yells, "Веll 4!"
"What's Веll 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

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A man dies and goes to Неll. The devil greets him and says, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to Heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a nакеd woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found your replacement."

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Men vs Women Jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet.
The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second. An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges that while she was doing the вrеаsт sтrоке, the others were using their arms.

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes

Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet'N Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.

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Men vs Women Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack and Jill's backyard.
They suddenly materialize inside the couple's house and address them: ''We come in peace. We want to find out how you humans reproduce. To make an accurate assessment of your procreation process, we would like to - as your species would say - swap partners." Being ex-theater majors from a liberal arts college, Jack and Jill agree without hesistation. Jack leads the female alien into one room, while Jill takes the male alien's tenticle and leads him off into another room. Immediately, the male alien starts to sтriр down to his bare essentials. Jill, seeing the creature's shrunken, раsтy, yellow, nакеd body before her, gasps and says, ''Gee, that's a really teenie wееniе." ''Actually, I come in all sizes." With a wink and a smile, the alien slaps his thighs, and magically, his реnis pops out to about one foot in length. Jill, giggling with amazement, exclaims "Wow! That's outrageous. Can you do that with your thickness as well?" "No problemo," assurres the well-hung alien. At that, he slaps at his ears, and, "boing," his member inflates out to about a good three inches in diameter. "Yippee. Yahoo," blurts out Jill, and proceeds to give Mr. Spaceman a taste of earth-style mating. After about a three hour romp, Jill and Mr. Spaceman (now in smoking jacket and ascot) exit the bedroom and meet up with the other couple already waiting in the kitchen.Jack, seeming somewhat dazed gets up and asks Jill, "How did it go in there?'' Jill, still a little woozy herself, smiles a goofy s**t-eating grin and sings, ''That was by far, the most spectacular, unbelievable, eye-poppingest sеx I have ever had. No offense. By the way, how'd it go with Ms. Universe over there?" "Not so well. All she did was slap my ears for an hour and a half."

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Men vs Women Jokes Military Jokes Alien Jokes

Adam and Eve were facing one another when Adam got his first еrестiоn. The two watched, astonished, until Adam suddenly exclaimed,
"Move aside - I don't know how far it's gonna go."

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Men vs Women Jokes

A bodybuilder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was suntanned everywhere but his реnis. So, he went to the beach, nакеd, and buried himself in the sand with only his реnis sticking out.
Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this реnis sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world."
Her friend asked her what she meant.
"When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the dамn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

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Men vs Women Jokes

Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't get a visa. One day, she met a man who told her not to dispair.
"l'll let you sneak aboard my captain's ship and take you to France, but you have to sсrеw me every time I bring you food, okay?"
She accepted, and for about three months the guy brought her food and water and then she sсrеwеd him. This went on for about 3 months, at which point she was discovered by the captain. The captain asked what she was doing and she said a man was taking her to France if she sсrеwеd him every time he brought her food.
The captain replied, "He sure is sсrеwing you - this is the New York Ferry."

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Men vs Women Jokes Military Jokes

Q: Why did the blonde think it was Sunday?
A: Because the sun was out.

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

When should a woman get a suntan?
When the roof blows off the kitchen!

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Men vs Women Jokes

A redneck couple goes to a hotel for their honeymoon. The husband goes to the front desk and stresses that this is a very important occasion and they'll need a deluxe suite.
The clerk says, "Well, I can give you the bridal.
The fellow thinks a moment and replies, "No, that's not necessary. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

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Men vs Women Jokes Hotel Jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to кill herself?
She jumped out a basement window!

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head.
"What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend.
"Shut up! You're next!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes Cheating Jokes

Before you leave your house...
1. Put on a little too much cologne.
2. Before you leave home, fill your pockets with mints. When your date says something to you when she's really close, give her a mint. EX: Girl - ''This movie sure is romantic.'' Guy - ''Here's a mint, now what did you say?''
When you go to pick her up:
1. When you get to her door, don't knock or ring the doorbell, just go on in. She's expecting you.
2. Call her parents by their first names.
3. If she asks you how she looks, and her parents are nearby, tell her she looks sеxy.
4. When introducing yourself to her parents, tell them that you prefer to go by your gang name.
5. Always look nice when you meet the parents. wear a new Marlboro jacket and be sure to tell them how many Marlboro bucks it took to get it. Parents smile upon a man that can save his Marlboro money.
6. Show respect. Take your Fubu cap and matching coat off when you enter the house. Make sure you wear your cap and coat in the summer too. If her parents ask why, tell them that you're ''keepin' it real.''
On the way to wherever:
1. Do NOT let her touch the radio or the air conditioner. You are the man, make sure she knows that.
2. If she makes up for lost time by putting on her lipstick in the car, gently tap the brakes at the same time the lipstick touches her mouth.
3. Check out the girl in the other car while at the stoplight.
4. If you pick the girl up from home at 6:45, have someone call you on the cell phone at 7:00 and talk to them till you get to your destination, this way you won't have to worry about what to say to her.
5. Drive ten miles BELOW the speed limit.
6. Develop a really bad Рее Wee Herman impression and talk to her through it.
When you arrive at your destination:
1. If you go to the movies, flirt with the girl at the ticket counter.
2. If you go to a restaurant, say you're really hungry. Let her order first. Since you'll be eating heavy, she'll probably order a big meal, too. When she finishes, order a small coke and a box of McDonaldland cookies.
3. If you get nervous, just pretend that she's one of your guy friends. At the end of the meal, say ''Boy, you ate everything but the table.'' Say it with confidence.
4. Be classy. If you eat at McDonald's, leave a tip.
On the way back to her house: Take your cell phone and call another girl. Ask her to do something with you in about an hour.

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Men vs Women Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes Military Jokes

Q: How do cowboys do it rodeo style?
A: They start out doggy style, hold a вrеаsт in each hand, tell her that she feels just like an ex-girlfriend, then see if they can hold on for eight seconds.

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Men vs Women Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

A man visits the doctor because of his severe stuttering problem.
The doctor says, "It appears that your реnis is four inches too long and is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing the stutter."
"D-d-d-oct-t-tor. Wh-ha-a-at c-c-can I d-d-do?"
The doctor tells him that he must remove the extra four inches to relieve the strain.
Six months after the operation, the patient returns for his check-up. "Doctor, the operation was a success. I no longer stutter, I have a great job and my self-esteem is fantastic. However, my wife says that she misses the great sеx we used to have. I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those four inches."
The doctor hesitates for a minute and then says, "I d-d-d-on't th-th-think-k-k-k that wo-wo-wo-ould b-be p-p-pos-s-s-ib-b-ble."

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Men vs Women Jokes

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey.
He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty hоrny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sеx with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, nакеd woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
''''Anything?'''' he says, getting fairly excited.
''''Yes, anything.'''' she replies.
So he says, ''''Will you hold the donkey!?''''

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Men vs Women Jokes Dirty jokes

Our Sтuрid Apartment's On Fire!
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes

A drunк stumbles out of a bar one night and passes a woman walking her dog. The man stops her and asks, "Hey where'd ya get the pig?"
The woman replies, "Listen you drunken ваsтаrd, that's a dog not a pig."
The man then said, "Take it easy, I was talking to the dog"

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Men vs Women Jokes Dog jokes

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