Newest jokes - Page 327

Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," says his mom, "Of course not."
After Little Johnny runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"

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A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.
The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?"
"Dамn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"
The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"
The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead."
The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello."
The rancher's eyes pop wide open.
The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?"
"Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake."
The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"
The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk."
"Well then, what's the harm?"
"Go right ahead," says the rancher.
The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello."
The rancher's jaw drops.
The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?"
"Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather."
The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"
The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen - them sheep out there, they're - they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"

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Cowboys and Indians Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

Why is it when a man talks nasty to a women it's sеxuаl harassment.
But when a women talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute.

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An old woman says to an old man at the rest home, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."

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Men vs Women Jokes

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"I wrap my little parrot реnis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."
"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."
Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What happened?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.
"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

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Parrot jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he sсrеwеd the tail off his secretary."

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Men vs Women Jokes Secretary Jokes

A blonde biology student conducts an experiment on grasshoppers.
She pulls off one of its legs at a time and yells, "Hop." The grasshopper hops each time until all of its legs are gone.
The blonde concludes: when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it becomes deaf.

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My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

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Men vs Women Jokes

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You dамn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You dамn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a рussy willow."
"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

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Men vs Women Jokes

Q: Why do dogs liск themselves?
A: Because they can.

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A modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too dамn close" embroidered on her раnтiеs and вrа.
"Yes ma'am," said the clerk. "I'm quite certian that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"
"Braille," she replied.

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Men vs Women Jokes

The father then tells the son, ''Son, I will never understand your mom.
Last night when we were having ''fun'', I asked her for more tail and she told me to go fly a kite.''

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Men vs Women Jokes

An old lady buys a pair of parrots, but she cannot identify their sexes.
She spends weeks staring at their cage and eventually, she catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrot's neck. Later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

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Parrot jokes Priest Jokes

She is so blonde, she thinks that Taco Веll is the Mexican phone company.

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Q: What do lеsвiаns cook for dinner?
A: They don't; they always eat out.

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Men vs Women Jokes Sex Jokes

Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Put your hand down its pocket and tickle its ваlls.

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Men vs Women Jokes Dirty jokes

A blonde is driving her new sports car and cuts out in front of a semi, almost causing it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees that she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.
He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around, and she's laughing so hard that she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"
She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Sports Jokes Blonde Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who died while drinking milk?
A: The соw fell on her.

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Something Men Can't Get...
Why can't men get Mad Соw Disease?
Because they are all PIGS!

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Men vs Women Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

Two cowboys lean against the rail at their favorite bar and rate women as they go by.
A beautiful brunette passes. The first cowboy says, "I'll give her a 3." The other cowboy nods.
Next, a hot redhead walks by. The second cowboy looks her up and down and says to the first cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4." The first cowboy nods.
Finally, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde approaches. The cowboys straighten up and tip their hats back a little for a better look. The first cowboy smiles real wide and says, "Dамn! That one has GOT to be a 6." The second cowboy nods.
Overhearing this, the woman turns around sharply and looks the first cowboy in the eye, "I'll have you know, I've been rated far higher than that by far better men than YOU."
And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you don't understand - we use a different kind a rating system. We use the equestrian method."
Taken aback, she asks, "What the hеll is the equestrian method?"
The first cowboy smiles and says slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."

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