Newest jokes

Doctor:
“Do you do sports?”
Patient:
“Does sеx count?”
Doctor:
“Yes.”
Patient:
“Then no.”

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Patient:
“Doctor, I just feel so invisible, ignored… Like I didn’t even exist…”
Doctor:
“Next!”

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(Girl to a guy standing on the railing in the middle of a tall bridge)
“No! Please don't jump!”
(pulls out phone and turns on camera)
“OK, go ahead!”

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What does a cannibal say to the waiter in a restaurant on a cruise ship?
“Please bring me the passenger list.”

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My father fell asleep in front of the TV.
I put a picture of our female neighbor, some tissues and a рот of Vaseline next to him. Let's see how my mother reacts.

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- Am I beautiful, George?
- You’re like the Sun! It’s painful looking at you.

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I saw my wife at the dam yesterday.
Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

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Kamikaze pilot instructor:
“OK, listen up, and listen up closely. I don’t want to have to repeat myself to you again tomorrow!”

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Husband approaches his wife, “Jenny, I think I have a problem.”
Jenny smiles at him kindly, “Darling, your problems are my problem also. Trouble shared is trouble halved. Tell me.”
“OK, “ says the husband, “in that case, we got the neighbor pregnant.”

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Father talks to his 5-year-old son:
“No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

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Dracula visits his doctor and says, “Doctor, I’m really worried. For a while now, there was no blood in my stool.”

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Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke | Dark Humor | ‎Vampire Jokes, Dracula Jokes

I went fishing for the first time. I learnt that fish can breakdance. Only for 1-2 minutes, but still.

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Mrs. Blutwurst is to have quite a tricky operation
And is very nervous about it. Just before she gets her anesthesia, she
Grabs the surgeon by the hand, “Oh doctor, I’m so afraid!”
“Don’t you worry, Mrs. Blutwurst,“ says the doctor, “I did this
Operation 30 times already. It has to work this time.

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That moment when your teacher gets very angry with you because you’ve
Been nervously clicking the ball pen, but you still have to click it one
More time to be able to write.

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“Hey, Karen, how much do you weigh?”
“I’m not telling you!”
“Aw, come on, tell! Give me at least the last three digits!”

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Two sharks are swimming along in the ocean when
They spot a windsurfer.
“Ooh, look, a snack!” cheers up the first one.
The second one nods appreciatively, “And on a nice little plate with a
Napkin, even!”

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Girls mostly treat me like a God. They totally forget
That I exist and only approach me when they need something.

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My boss got really angry with me this morning. He kept shouting and cursing for at least an hour.
After a while my habits kicked in and at one point I said, “You’re right, honey.”

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