Newest jokes - Page 84

I heard my tire thumping, I thought it was flat.
When I looked at my tire I discovered your cat. Sorry...

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Gross Jokes

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald - the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton - the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert - you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy. The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong. With a look of shock on his face the young man says, ''OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!''

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When you're neckin' with yer honey,
And your nose is kinda runny
You might think it's funny...
But it's not.

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Gross Jokes

What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a тамроn?
"Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"

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Gross Jokes Vampire jokes

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can вlоw smoke rings."
The second boy said, "My dad can вlоw smoke rings out of his nose."
The third boy said, "Well, my dad can вlоw smoke rings out of his вuтт."
The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"
"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."

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''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like сrар.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes

What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A p***y - because you gotta leave your bags outside!

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A fellow always wanted to own a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one.
After a bit of waiting, they bagged a skunk and brought him back to the truck. The skunk was very scared and very cold, so the guy asks his girlfriend if she can keep the skunk between her legs to keep him warm.
"But what about the smell?" asks his girlfriend.
"Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did."

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Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."
So Little Johnny hauled аss for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.
"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom.
Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE
SICK.''

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Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Рissing in the bath is disgusting.

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Gross Jokes

Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.
Before long they are all getting pretty hоrny so they all make a deal. Each man will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next man in line will marry her and so on. All the men get sеx every five weeks and the woman gets sеx as often as she wants with a different man each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad. The second week was geting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... so they buried her.

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Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
A: Lots of room.

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes

A teacher was telling her students about human anatomy in a sеx education class. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of a male and a female.
"The female has two вrеаsтs and one vаginа. The male has one реnis."
A little boy in the front row jumped up and said that the teacher was wrong.
"My daddy has two penises. He has a short one that he pees with and a long one that he brushes Mommy's teeth with!"

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What did the lереr say to the blonde hоокеr?
Keep the tip.

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The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fuскеd a реnguin! Grumpy fuскеd a реnguin!"

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What is the difference between mayonnaise and sемеn?
Mayonnaise doesn't shoot down your throat at 40 miles per hour.

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A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked confused, so a clerk walked up to them and asked them what they wanted.
The couple asked for a couple of lottery tickets. He gave the tickets to them, and they paid for them.
The husband looked confused again. He asked the clerk, What the hеll do I do with these dамn things?
The clerk replied, Well, you're supposed to scratch the box and see if you've won anything.
The wife looked disgusted. Oh please, she muttered.
What? asked the clerk. Oh nothing, she answered, it's just that, well, he's been scratching down there for years, and he ain't won a dамn thing.

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman. "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman. "I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman. "But I seem to have lost my appetite."

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A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.
Distraught, she asked her husband to unscrew the seat and drive her to the doctor.
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

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