Newest jokes - Page 833

Q: Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?
A: He was looking for pooh!

35 0

Animal Jokes

A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones.
The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she protests that she'll die without them.
The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones.
Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones.
A few minutes later, the blonde collapses, dead on the floor.
Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to his ear and hears, "Breathe in. Breathe out."

37 0

Blonde Jokes Hairdresser Jokes

The cannibals on the island Borneo have caught and after that have grilled one gypsy boy on a turnspit.
They had to turn him really quickly above the burning fire because at a slower speed of rotation he managed to steal the potatoes from the live coal.

30 0

Dark Humor Jokes Food Jokes Morbid jokes

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

35 0

Dark Humor Jokes

The retired man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over.
Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor replies, "OK.
Touch your elbow."
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, "Touch your head."
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony.
The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hеll.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, "We've found your problem."
"Oh yeah?
What is it?" asks the retiree.
The Doctor remarks, "You've broken your finger!"

29 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast.
At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.
The man said that he actually felt worse.
“Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?” the Doc asked.
“No,” replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. “I could only do about 15 minutes!”

29 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Food Jokes

Inside a Best Buy store.
Customer:
"Can you help me? I'm looking for a shredder."
Coworker:
"We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?"
Customer:
"Collard greens."

55 0

Food Jokes Customer service jokes

One day a family is wondering what to cook for dinner.
They have many ideas but each idea doesn't sound good.
Eventually, they go to the living room to watch tv when all of a sudden a knock at the door.
The mother answers it and it's a nun saying she's going door to door giving out soup to families.
She takes the bag of soup and thanks to the nun.
They all go to the kitchen and grab a bowl and then pour the soup into bowls.
The father says "this soup stinks!"
The mother says "honey a nun brought it to us be grateful."
The father then tastes it and says "ew it tastes like shiт" and the mother say s "honey just keep eating."
After they finish they go to the living room and the news is on.
The reporter says "the man dressed as a nun delivering raw sewage door to door has been caught" they all puked.

51 0

Food Jokes Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Vulgar jokes

One goldfish to his tankmate:
"If there's no God, who changes the water?"

24 0

God Jokes Animal Jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke.
The trick is that they must not laugh.
The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hеll.
The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.
Finally, it’s the blondes turn.
She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs.
God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”

25 0

God Jokes Blonde Jokes

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"That's right."
"Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake."
"Well, today is his birthday."

45 0

Kids Jokes Food Jokes Chocolate Jokes Birthday Jokes

Q: What do the mosquito parents say to their small children, when they see people lying on the sandy beach during a hot summer day more than 15 minutes?
A:
"Kids, prepare the cutlery and your сhin-straps.
Our lunch is already heated up and ready for the consumption!"

45 0

Kids Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Weather jokes

Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter time. His friend's mother saw Johnny shivering, so she said, "Come here and put your hands between my thighs to warm them up." Johnny said, "My ears are cold too."

0 0

Little Johnny Jokes Friendship Jokes

Marraige is a 3-ring circus.
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

There was an old married couple who love each other very much.
But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fаrт with his wife right in the bed next to him.
The wife always says "One day you're going to fаrт your guts out if you don't stop."
Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind.
She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fаrт all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while.
Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."

45 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Gross Jokes Old People Jokes Fart Jokes

What do women and condoms have in common?
If they're not on your diск they're in your wallet.

34 0

Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Vulgar jokes

Q: There is a $100 bill sitting in the middle of a 4 way intersection, at one side there is a man hating diке, at another side, there is Santa, at another side there is the Easter Bunny, and at the las side there is a man loving lеsвiаn. Who gets the $100 bill?
A: The man hating diке because all others are a figure of your imagination.

49 0

Money jokes Men jokes Christmas Jokes Easter Jokes

A Jewish boy asked his father "Father, can you lend me 50 dollars?"
The father replied, "40 dollars, What do you need 30 dollars for?"

55 0

Money jokes Jewish Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Communication Jokes

An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn't wearing his watch. A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree. The American approaches the Mexican and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what time is?" The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its ваlls, and replies, "4:30." The American asks, "How do you know that?" The Mexican replies, "Well you get a handful of the donkeys ваlls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street."

0 0

Nationality Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes American Jokes

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..."
"Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven."
"What's the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

0 0

News and Politics Jokes Friendship Jokes

Latest Jokes