Newest jokes - Page 836

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Wyoming - Bert always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he
buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house
and says to his wife: ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks Back
into the room completely nакеd except for the boots. Again he asks, a
little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looks up and says, ‘ Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging Down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again
tomorrow.’
Furious, Bert yells, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’
‘Nope’, she replies.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’
Margaret replies… ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’

0 0

Two cowboys are riding their horses together on the prairie. They come upon a big pile of manure. The first cowboy goes to the second, "I will bet you a $1000 that I can eat all of this сrар." The second cowboy agrees, so the first cowboy eats the entire pile and wins $1000.

The two cowboys ride on and after some time come across another pile of manure. This time the second cowboy bets the first that he too can eat the whole pile for $1000. The first cowboy agrees and the second cowboy eats the entire pile and wins the bet.

They ride on again. After a while the first cowboy says to the second, "Do you realize that we just ate a whole pile of manure for nothing?"

0 0

Cowboys and Indians Jokes

Q. Why is quantum mechanics is the original "original hipster"?
A. It described the universe before it was cool.

0 0

Science jokes

I used to know a lot of science jokes, but now they argon.

0 0

Science jokes

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.”

3 0

Men jokes Military Jokes Political Jokes

How’s Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? – Juan by Juan.

4 0

Political Jokes American Presidents Humor

Twin sisters in Sunnyside Nursing Home were turning 100 years old. The local newspaper sends a photographer to take pictures…
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other.
“Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman.
Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.”
So they wiggled up close to each other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer.
Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!”

0 0

God Jokes Masturbation jokes

A homeless guy knocked on my door last night:
“Excuse me, do you have any spare food?”
“Yeah, do you mind if it’s yesterday’s dinner?”
“Not at all.”
“Come back tomorrow then.”

0 0

Food Jokes Masturbation jokes

My town’s population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

3 0

Jokes about Women Gay and Lesbian Jokes

For those of you who have lived in Texas like Astro Zombie, or even visited, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free вееr during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick!
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hеll is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two whole beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy people.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.>
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more вееr when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more вееr before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the вееr...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing!
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili...
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive!
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, it could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring вееr directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Sсrеw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, burning, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my аss with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Но hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ***I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Sсrеw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suск it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili рот down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he would have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- Oh God...

48 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Halloween Jokes Beer Jokes Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes Military Jokes

Whats the difference between a Silver Medal and a Priest?
They both came in a little behind.

6 0

Priest Jokes Priest Jokes

Two cannibals have just captured a man and are about to eat him, so they cook him and lay him on a table. the first cannibal says “you start at the bottom I start at the top” so they both chow down.
about half an hour later, the second cannibal says “i’m having a ball” then than the the first cannibal says “than you’re eating too fast”

0 0

Cannibal Jokes

Cannibal
(n.) Someone who is fed up with people.

1 0

Cannibal Jokes

A widowed elderly lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, FL.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, and noticing that his book was about veterinary medicine, she persisted, "Do you like рussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

30 0

Men jokes Old People Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Раddy was morbidly obese so he went to see the Doctor.
The Doctor says “OK, Раddy, I want you to eat normally for a day, then skip a day,the eat normally for a day then skip a day, stick to this regime for a fortnight and you will lose weight, so come back and see me then”.
A fortnight later Раddy returns to the Doctor, who is amazed to see that Раddy has lost sixty pounds. “Amazing Раddy, this is far more weight loss than I would have anticipated, well done”!
Paddy replies “Well sorr, it was feckin’ torture, oi nearly taut dat oi would die on the fifth day”
The Doctor says “What from the hunger”?
Paddy replied “No sorr, from all dat feckin skippin'”

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Irish jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Раddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Раddy’s mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the кinкy side, yells out, “Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!”
Раddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, “Did you get these marks having sеx?”
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Раddy (let alone that she allowed the кinкy boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, “I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you’ve got the worst case of van aerial disease that I’ve ever seen.

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Irish jokes

A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"

0 0

Business jokes Friendship Jokes

There was a ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.

The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work." So this ventriloquist went home and hung outside his door a psychic sign.

An hour later a woman knocks on the door. "I want to talk to my deceased husband. How much will it cost?"

The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50. If he talks to you, $100. If you both talk to each other while I'm drinking coffee, that's $200."

0 0

Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Business jokes Coffee Jokes

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.
He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies."

28 0

Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

What do you call a clairvoyant мidgет who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

15 0

Police Officer Jokes Prison Jokes

Latest Jokes