Newest jokes - Page 86

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car.
It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

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Some people should consider having multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.

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Facebook Jokes History Jokes

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hоокеr get layed off?

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Business jokes Dirty jokes

A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home.
But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet.
The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

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Parrot jokes Insult Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch:
"My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."

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Jokes about Women Business jokes Math Jokes

An old man and a young man work together in an office.
The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his сriме.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies.
"Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

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Old People Jokes Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Chocolate Jokes

A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone, with a gun to her head.
She is depressed and finally decides that she just can't live anymore.
Then, her husband comes home, finds her with the gun and begs her not to do it.
"Please, honey, don't do it, i'll do anything you want, but please, don't кill yourself!" he pleads.
"Shut up! your next!" the blonde says.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Blonde Jokes

A bloke walks into a bar in the bush to discover a 44 gallon drum almost overflowing with $20 notes.
He sits at the bar and orders a вееr.
A short while later one of the locals gets up, throws $20 into the drum and walks out the back.
He soon returns shaking his head disgruntled and sits down.
Five more minutes pass when another local does exactly the same.
The bloke asks the bartender what is the go with the drum full of 20's .
The bartender says that they have a donkey out the back that has never laughed in its life.
So you simply throw in the $20 and have a go, if the donkey laughs then the drum and its contents are yours.
Been going ten years so far.
The young bloke gets up, throws his 20 into the drum and proceeds out the back.
Within seconds the donkey his laughing its head off.
As he strolls back inside all the locals ask what he did but he won't say and simply takes the drum full of cash and leaves.
10 years goes past and the young bloke decides to pay the pub another visit.
This time he sees a drum overflowing with $50 notes in the middle of the room.
He goes up to the bar tender and asks again what the deal is with the drum.
The bartender says that they have the same donkey still out the back and seeing as he had made it laugh, the deal was you now had to make it cry but it was a 50 not a 20.
The young bloke gets up, throws in his 50 and goes out the back.
About a minute later the donkey is crying his eyes out and the young man returns to the bar.
The locals beg him to tell them how he has done it as it has cost them a fortune attempting it.
The young bloke says that to make him laugh he told the donkey his member was вiggеr than the donkeys.
Everyone sighed and understood how easy that was and why didn't they think of it.
Now they demanded to know what tactic he had used to make the donkey cry so miserably.
The young bloke replied that it was quite simple as well, he just showed it to him.

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Money jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes American Presidents Humor

The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?"
"Yes. What can we do for you?"
"I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding сосаinе in his firewood."
"Thank you, this will be noted."
Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no сосаinе, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for you?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it’s YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

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Drug Jokes Police Officer Jokes Phone jokes

Your mama so fат Thanos had to snap twice.

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Yo Momma Jokes

Yo mama so fат that when she works out too long she starts sweating cooking oil.

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Yo Momma Jokes Office and Work Jokes Fat Jokes

"Doctor, I have a problem..."
"What’s your problem?"
"I рее in my sleep, every night!"
"Why?"
"Oh, well... Every night, a little devil visits me in my sleep and asks me; “Did we рее today?”.
"And, that’s it? The solution is so simple.. Listen to me! If the little devil comes again you’re gonna answer; 'Yeah, dude, I did!'"
"And that will cut it off?"
"Sure! Like a knife!"
At night, the little devil showed up on the patient’s dream and whispered;
"Did we рее today?"
"Yeah, dude, I did!" said angry the guy.
And little devil replied: "What about роор?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Gross Jokes

Q: What is the most dangerous part of a motorcycle?
A: The nut between the seat and the handlebars.

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Jokes

Yo Mama so old...
Her birthday expired.

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Yo Momma Jokes

The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sеx.
But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.

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Sex Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Dad Jokes

Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Wine jokes

Q: Would you burn your education certificate for 50 million us dollars?
Me: I will burn my certificate, I will burn the school, the nearby schools and even the ministry of education I will also burn all the textbooks.

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Student jokes School Jokes Money jokes

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

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Office and Work Jokes Management Jokes Prison Jokes Boss Jokes

Patient: "Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill."
Doctor: "Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Money jokes

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