Newest jokes - Page 100

I discovered that answering the door nакеd helps deter trick or treater's.
Oh, Here we go again, here's two dressed as policemen...

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Halloween Jokes

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

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Office and Work Jokes

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

As Gayle was getting to know Jim and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.
"They're so thoughtful," Gayle said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
After a time, Gayle and Jim were engaged, and then they married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Gayle again remarked on Jim's loving parents and even the coffee in bed.
"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"
"It sure does," replied Jim. "And I take after my mom."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Coffee Jokes

First Freshman in Math Exam: "How far are you from the correct answer?"
Second Freshman in Math Exam: "About two seats away."

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One-Liner Jokes

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

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Judge and Court Jokes

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation."Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

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Military Jokes School Jokes

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the world she is.
2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5 - I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.
10 - I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. and last but not least....
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

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Grandparent Jokes

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting!”
So we stopped playing chess.

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One-Liner Jokes

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Halloween Jokes

The drunк staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunк.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunк, "it's on fire."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Hotel Jokes

I asked my doctor today how long he thought this COVID thing will last...
He said, “How should I know, I’m a doctor not a politician.”

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Coronavirus Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
"You've given me one too many" I said.
"That one is a freebie"

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Animal Jokes

An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sеxuаl pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front вrеаsт pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sеxuаl pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

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Jokes

Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.

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One-Liner Jokes

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down."
I am reading a book on the paranormal, I didn't buy it it just appeared....
I just *know* someone is going to post about the psychic's book...
I was going to buy "The power of Positive Thought", but what's the point..
I heard about a great book concerning how to deal with apathy but Icouldn't be bothered to go to the store and buy it.
I tried reading a book about natural fertilizers for your gardenbut it was full of сrар.
I was going to buy a book on curing procrastination but I put of untiltomorrow....or maybe the day after.
I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep.

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Jokes

Lexicographer Noah Webster was blessed with define inspiration.

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One-Liner Jokes

There's a brunette, red-head, and a blonde all on death row. The day before their execution they are each delivered a message from the judge stating:
"Since you have been on good behavior I will allow you to choose how you will die -- lethal injection or electric chair."
The brunette went first. She chose the electric chair, and it malfunctioned so she was set free.
The red head saw this and picked the electric chair too. It malfunctioned again and she was let free.
Then it was the blonde's turn and when asked what she chose she said, "Lethal injection because the electric chair is broken!"

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Blonde Jokes

It never fails...
Cashiers are always checking me out.

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One-Liner Jokes

When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Sexist Jokes

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