Animal Jokes - Page 133

The wife’s insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it’s cruel we’ve started testing our new products on rabbits.
She’s got a point, I suppose…I work in a hammer factory.

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When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes

Hardnut: Hey kid, you piece of sh*t. fight me you little rat.
Kid: Excuse me but I dont agre with the idea of animal abuse.

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Kids Jokes Insult Jokes Animal Jokes

A man went to visit a friend of his who worked for the zoo, tending to the elephants.
But found him crying.
When asked what happened the friend replied that the largest bull elephant had died earlier that morning.
"I'm sorry I didn't know you were so close to the elephant"
"I'm not - I have to bury it."

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

A reporter hears about an amazing pig and goes out to the farm in northwich to get the story. He finds the farmer near the barn and asks him if the rumors about his pig are true.
“Yep,” says the farmer. “I got a pig that started squealing real loud
When the house was on fire. He woke us all up and so we all got to
Safety. Otherwise we might have been killed. That’s some pig.”
“And didn’t the pig save your boy from drowning?” asked the reporter.
“Yep, he raced right into the pond and pulled my little boy out by his shirt collar. Saved his life,” the farmer says, wiping a tear from his eye.
“Wow, I’d like to see this pig,” the reporter says.
“Well, come on over here.”
The farmer leads the reporter over to a nearby pen. There in the mud the reporter sees a pig with a wooden leg.
“Why does he have a wooden leg?”
The farmer replies, “Well, you don’t eat a pig like that all at fuскing once.

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Animal Jokes

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

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Animal Jokes

What's the difference between a well dressed man and a dog?
The man wears a suit. The dog just pants.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

One ant was running across an unopened box of crackers and urging another to speed up. “But why do we have to hurry?” said one. “Can you read, you nut! It says, ‘Tear along the dotted line’”.

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Animal Jokes

A client recently brought her two cats to my husband’s veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat.
She watched closely as I put each on the scale. “They weigh about the same,” I told her.
“That proves it!” she exclaimed. “Black does make you look slimmer and stripes make you look fат.”

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Animal Jokes Fat Jokes

You shouldn't be allowed to wear animal print if you are вiggеr than said animal.

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Animal Jokes

There is this boat on a jungle tour crowded with cheerful and motivated tourists. That was when they saw a frog sitting on the edge of the boat with a languid and sad look holding on to his old guitar. A tourist asks the captain what was the meaning of that?
- Look, sir. He likes attention, he is a "show frog" and plays and sings for fun. Whenever someone touches his left leg, he then raises his left leg and plays popular music. And whenever you touch his right leg, he raises his right leg and plays soft music .
- And if someone touches both his legs?
- Don't be dumb sir, if you touch both his legs, then he raises both legs, falls backwards, and sinks in the water.

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Animal Jokes

Bargains at the pet shop:
A hummingbird that knows the words
A bloodhound with hypoglycemia
A chameleon that's stuck on green
A depressed hyena
An absent-minded elephant

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Animal Jokes

I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.

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Animal Jokes

Through the jongole I am went
… On shooting Tiger I am bent
Boshtaard Tiger has taken my wife
No doubt I will avenge poor darling’s life
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But I not fear these sons of beeches
Hearing loud noise I am jumping with start
But noise is coming from my dамn fool heart
Taking care not to be sheeting in fright
I am clutching rifle tight with eye to sight
Should Tiger come I will shoot and fall him down
Then like hero return to native town
Then through trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self - “Bannerjee be brave”
I am now proceeding with too much care
From far I smell this Tiger’s lair
My leg shaking, sweat coming, I start pray
I think I will shoot Tiger some other day
Turning round I am going to flee
But Tiger giving вlооdy roar smelling Bengalee
He bounding from cave like footballer Pele
I run shouting “Kali Ma tumi kothay gele”
Through the jongole I am running
With Blowdy Tiger on my tail closer looming
I am sheeting and telling that never in life
I will take risk again for my farked up “WIFE “!!!!! ♥

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Animal Jokes

I was in the car, hungry, miles from any convenience store or restaurant, so I scrounged around the car. Woo-Hoo! Under the passenger car seat was an unopened box of animal crackers. …
…
I took a minute to read the manufacturer’s “ingredients” and warnings. On the box it said, “Do not to eat it if the seal is broken.”
I opened the box … Wouldn’t you know…

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Animal Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

A man graduated from veterinary school then took a course in taxidermy. He now has a sign in his Doctor's office that reads, "Veterinarian/Taxidermist - Either way - you get your pet back".

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

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Money jokes Animal Jokes

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

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Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes

Joe was invited by his friend Steve to go hunting quail over the weekend. Steve was very excited to show off his new hunting dog to Joe. That weekend, they were out in the country walking thru thick grasslands when Steve's hunting dog stop, went into a pointing position towards some bushes, and then tapped the ground three times.
Steve told Joe that his dog is telling him three quails are in the bushes . Sure enough three quails flew out of the bushes into the air. Joe shot one and Steve got the other two. This went on most of the day with the dog tapping the ground the number of quail that were in the bushes and the guys shooting them when they flew out.
Nearing the end of their hunting trip, Steve's dog stopped and froze near a large bush. He sat there for a minute and then ran off and returned with a branch in his mouth and started moving his head left to right. Joe was confused at this new behavior and asked Steve what was going on. Steve replied, "My dog is telling us there are more quail in there than you can shake a stick at!"

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Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes

“Doctor, doctor!” said the panic-stricken woman, “my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he’s swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?”
“Quite simple,” said the doctor calmly. “You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband’s mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite - haul it out.”
“Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I’ll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod’s head.”
“What do you want a cod’s head for?”
“Oh- I forgot to tell you. I’ve got to get the cat out first!”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes