Animal Jokes - Page 144

How bored were moths before the light bulb was invented?

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Animal Jokes

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

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Animal Jokes

If you think about the animals we do eat, we only eat the dumb ones. Our three main meats are what? Cows, fish, chickens -- all animals, I'm pretty sure, if they could talk, you could trick them into killing themselves.

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Animal Jokes

Did you hear about the 3 zoo employees who were injured recently? They got attacked by a chimpanzee that set fire to it’s own feces using a discarded cigarette. Apparently they were rushed to the hospital with ТURD degree burns.

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Animal Jokes

One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks, "Does your dog bite?" the old man replies "No never". When the man bends down to sтrоке the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says,
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!", "I did" replies the old man, "But this isn't my dog!'.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

I never talk to our cat, and our cat certainly never talks to me. So I don't know why my wife is compelled to put the cat on the phone when I call home, but I love my wife, so I will talk to the cat.

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Animal Jokes

As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper.
“What’s wrong with Toby daddy?” My daughter asked.
“It’s an animal sixth sense,” I explained. “They can detect the presence of evil.”
“Is the house haunted?” She shivered.
“No,” I replied, before turning to my wife. “Love! I think your mother’s here already.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot’s cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette.
Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on the parrot’s cage, and gets back into bed.
The parrot, from under the cloth, “Well that was a short fcukin’ day!”

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes

I tried to teach my dog to dance today.
It was useless.
He’s got two left feet.

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Animal Jokes

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said,
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Man in the circus in the Lions cage, says to the audience “i can make this Lion suск my соск”. The Lions growling, the man takes out his соск then hits the lion over the head with a stick, the Lion stops growling opens his mouth and starts suскing the mans соск! The man then turns to the audience and arrogantly says “would anyone else like to try this”? An old woman puts her hand up and says “Yes me, but dont hit me with that stick”,

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Men jokes

Two silk worms get into a wrestling match. …
….
…
It ended in a tie.

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Animal Jokes

I took my wife to a dog show last week, she finished in 3rd place.

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Animal Jokes

I wonder, do birds always plan things, or do they sometimes just wing it?

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Animal Jokes

Person: Siri search Funny animals .
I phone:looking for a Rock.
Person: you b*tch.
I phone:calling mom

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Animal Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table. "This is the вrеаsт of the duck; this the leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc." Then came the dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for the explanation. Silence. "Well?" he finally asked,
"What's this?" The waiter replied, "It's a friend of duck."

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Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse serving drinks. The guy stares until the horse finally says, “What’s the problem? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?”
The guy says, “No, it’s not that. It is just that I never thought the ferret would sell the place.”

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Animal Jokes

To stop King Kong's rampage, the U. S. Army got their top strategists together and came up with a terrific plan.
They built a massive catapult engine, loaded a 1966 Volkswagen in it, and hurled the vehicle directly at the side of the giant ape's head.
In other words, they put abug in his ear.

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Animal Jokes

A yellow Labrador walks into a job referral agency and asks if they have any openings for him. After the receptionist picks herself up off the floor, she asks the dog to come back in an hour. The dog agrees and walks out. As soon as the dog leaves she calls the circus and asks if they can use a talking dog.
"Of course," says the owner, "send him down."
An hour later, the dog walks back into the agency and the receptionist yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus.
To which the dog replies,
"What does the circus want with a carpenter?"

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Animal Jokes

Don’t you just hate it when insects make you late for work in the morning. I’m never gonna high-five a centipede again!

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes