Animal Jokes - Page 53

Chuck Norris likes his meat rare, so he eats unicorns.

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A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Why do police dogs liск their ваlls?
To get the taste of Niggеr out their mouths.

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Black People Jokes Animal Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Police Officer Jokes Dog jokes

Two cows were talking.One соw asked the other"
I wonder what hamburgers are made of?"
The other соw replied "YOUR MOM!

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Animal Jokes Food Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?
A: One is slimy, a реsт, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.

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Animal Jokes Political Jokes What's The Difference Jokes

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time and asked his dad, "Why doesn't the stork recognize me?"

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it nакеd or homeless?

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Animal Jokes

Chuck Norris can кill two stones with one bird.

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Animal Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education isdeveloping! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says."I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home."So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "
Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of theyear, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read... so he shootsthe dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited."Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that young lady who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed,"I hope you shot that son of a вiтсh before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics.

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Lawyer Jokes News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes Australia Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Dog jokes

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!” The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

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Animal Jokes Office and Work Jokes

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their ваlls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck." The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?" The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla."

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Animal Jokes

A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank God!"

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Animal Jokes Priest Jokes

*At pet store*
Me: Hey look its Nemo!
Worker: Sir, that's a clown fish.
Me: Вiтсh, that's a Nemo!

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Animal Jokes

Why don't sharks eat niggеrs?
They think it's whale shiт.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Animal Jokes Black People Jokes

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant?
An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.

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Animal Jokes Food Jokes

What do cows wear when they are on vacation in Hawaii?
Moo moos.

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Animal Jokes

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."

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Animal Jokes Money jokes

The wild and mean bear grabs the hedgehog and asks him:
"Were you at the fox’s party as well?"
"Yes, I was. So what?"
"Were you sitting on the table?"
"Yeah, why?"
The bear, ready to leg press him, changes his mind and says to the hedgehog:
"Next time, wherever you go, take an umbrella with you!"
"But why, my friend?" the hedgehog wonders.
"Cause all night long, I was taking thorns off my аss!"

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Animal Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Friendship Jokes Superhero Jokes

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don't like fast food.

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Animal Jokes Nationality Jokes Food Jokes

Q: What is worst than raining black cats and bloodhounds?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!

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Animal Jokes