Australia Jokes

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers.
The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual.
"Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the вееr. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing.
The bartender watches him go through the same ritual.
Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia.
We have our birthdays on the same day.
We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other.
We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers.
The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
Eдин човек всяка вечер ходел в един и същи бар и винаги си поръчвал по четири големи уискита, изпивал ги, а след това си тръгвал.
Friendship Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Australia Jokes Beer Jokes
Dirтy Places
Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Assonet (Massachusetts, USA)
Bastard (Norway)
Bastardstown (County Wexford, Ireland)
Bear Butte (South Dakota, USA)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Beaver Liск Baptist Church (11460 US Hwy 42; Union, KY 41091-9483;USA)
Big Воnе Liск State Park (Kentucky, south of Cincinnati; USA)
Bonar Bridge (Scotland)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Bumpass Creek (Alabama, USA)
Butte City (Idaho, USA)
Butt's Corner (New York, USA)
Chinaman's Кnов (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Climax Springs (Missouri, USA)
Cocksgag (Ohio, USA)
Cocke County (Tennessee, USA)
Cunt (Spain)
Cunter (Switzerland)
Devil's Dyке (United Kingdom)
Dikshit (India)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Effin (Limerick, Ireland)
Erect (Randolph County, North Carolina, USA)
Fairy Glen (Saskatchewan, Canada)
Fanny Bay (Australia)
Fertile (Iowa, USA)
Flasher (North Dakota, USA)
Fucking (Part of the municipality of Tarsdorf, in the Innviertel region of Upper Austria)
Frenchman Butte (Saskatchewan, Canada)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Gayhead Island (Martha's Vineyard, MA.....yes there is a ferry to Gayhead Island)
Gaylordsville (Connecticut, USA)
Gassville (Arkansas, USA)
Gnaw Воnе (Indiana, USA)
Hardup (Utah, USA)
Hell (Michigan, USA)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Hookersville (West Virginia, USA)
Humptulips (Washington, USA)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Kisslegg (Bavaria, Germany)
Knob Liск (Kentucky, USA)
Koksoak River (Canada)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Lick Run (Pennsylvania, USA)
Likwang (China)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Lord Berkeley's Кnов (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Inтеrсоursе Island (Australia)
Moorhead (Mississippi, USA)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Naked City (Indiana, USA)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Onenut (California, USA)
Packwood (Iowa, USA)
Penisthorpe (England, recently changed to Pensthorpe) Penistone (South Yorkshire, UK)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Slackbottom (Yorkshire, UK)
Smuts (Saskatchewan, Canada)
Stains (France)
Stillorgan (Ireland)
Smackover (Arkansas, USA)
Tingley (Iowa, USA)
Titisee (Freiburg, Germany)
Tittybong (Australia)
Tong Fuк (Japan)
Top Ryde (New South Wales, Australia)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Wank (Germany)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankum (Germany)
Wet Веаvеr Creek (Australia)
USA Jokes Australia Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Superhero Jokes Japanese Jokes
A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful,
I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde вiмво sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney.”
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A Chinese man decided  to retire and move to Australia after 50 years  of living in Shanghai.
He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in,the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way,…pause…., and then put his left ear next to the bull’s вuтт.
The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, ‘Jeez Mate, what the hеll is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are рissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s вuтт, it could just about sh1t on you.’
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ‘Sorry sir, you no understand, these no … Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.’
‘What do you mean mate’ says the Aussie, ‘Those aren’t Australian customs.’
Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me’ replied the Chinese man,’He say to become true Australian, I must learn to….. chase chicks,….. get рiss drunк, and …. listen to bull-sh1t.’
Friendship Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Australia Jokes
Sardar goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths, the grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.
He asks Sardar to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Sardar goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Sardar finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Sardar to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.
Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food..
Next week Sardar comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.. He shouts at Sardar, What the Fсuк is this?! Is this sh1t you Ваsтаrd?!?
And Sardar calmly replies: Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.
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There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said she, “Please stop plumbing,
I think someone’s coming!”
Said he, “Yes I know, love, it’s me.”
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There was a young girl from Devizes
Who had вrеаsтs of different sizes.
One was so small,
Really nothing at all,
The other was huge, it won prizes.
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A worried young man from Kabul
Founds lots of red circles on his тооl.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!”
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A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
And the cube of its weight
Times his рескеr’s, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call.
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There was an old woman from Australia
Who painted her аrsе like a dahlia.
The colors were fine,
the art devine,
The aroma, alas, was a failure.
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There once was a man from Kent
Whose соск was so long it was веnт.
To stay out of trouble,
He stuck it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.
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There once was a woman from Reno
Who lost all her money at keno.
She laid on her back,
And opened her сrаск,
And now she owns the casino.
- --------------
There was this lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride,
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
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An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sеx with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sеx. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again.
So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he’s from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.
“So am I… What suburb in Melbourne?”
“Glen Iris” he replies.
“That’s amazing…” she says, “…so am I - what Street?”
“Cameo Street” he replies.
“This is unbelievable…” she says, “… what number?”
He says, “Number 20” and she is totally astonished.
“You are not going to believe this but I’m from Number 22 and my parents still live there!”
“I know…” he says, “…your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you”
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Och så var det Texasbon som kom till Australien för första gången i sitt liv. Plötsligt fick han syn på en grupp kängurur och utbrast överraskad: - Det var som tusan, era gräshoppor är verkligen större än d vi har hemma i Texas... C'est un fermier texan qui s'en va passer des vacances en Australie. Il en profite pour rencontrer des agriculteurs et des éleveurs du cru et parler un peu technique avec eux. Au cours d'une balade...
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