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Sometime this year, we taxpayers will are scheduled to again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Вееr or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U. S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed рrоsтiтuте that you met at a yard sale and drink вееr all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
An annual weaponry competition is being held.
There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.
The next competitor goes up, representing the USA as a Native American. He readies his tomahawk and the fly is released. He brings the tomahawk down, cutting the fly clean in two. The audience shouts in appraisal.
The next competitor steps up, representing India. He says a quick prayer and the fly is released. The khanda in his hand slices horizontally and the fly is also split in two, except horizontally. The crowd cheers racuously.
The next competitor steps forth, representing Japan. He brandishes his odachi and puts it back in the scabbard. The fly is released and the swordsman clicks his sword back in. A second later, the fly splits into eight pieces. The audience woah-s in amazement.
The final competitor goes up, representing the Philippines. He walks in indignation, clutching a scythe. The audience boos him, saying "That's not a sword!" and so on. Nevertheless, he readies his scythe and the fly is released. He slashes and the fly seems untouched. The crowd laughs in mocking tones, but the Filipino competitor grabs the mic and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, look closer, and you'll see that this fly won't be a father anytime soon."
An American, a Japanese, and a Filipino are relaxing along the upper board of a cruise ship.
All of a sudden, the American throws his iPhone to the ocean.
The Japanese, suprised, asked the American, "Why throw iPhone?"
The American replied, "Don't worry man, there are lots of iPhone in the states."
The Filipino mumbled, "Wow, what a waste."
The Japanese went to his quarter, took out his laptop, then throws it to the ocean.
The American, to his surprise, asked the Japanese, "Hey, why did you do that?"
The Japanese replied, "No worry! In Japan, we have many raputappu."
The Filipino mumbled again, "Dамn this rich мотhеrfuскеr. He could have given the laptop to me instead."
A few moments later, a Korean guy approached them and said hi. Suddenly, the Filipino pushed the Korean out of the ship into the ocean. The Japanese and American are both surprised but before anyone could speak out, the Filipino said,
"Don't worry, der are lats op Korean in da Pilipins."
Note:
Sorry for grammar, English is not my native language.
An Asian woman on a plane sees her Asian seat-mate reading a book on Asian Stereotypes.
A little offended, yet equally curious, she asks her seat-mate "What does the book say?"
Her seat mate says:
"According to this book, Filipino women are beautiful, Japanese women are smart, and Vietnamese women are faithful".
Taken aback by the slightly chauvinistic and stereotypical nature of the book's assertions, the woman asks:
"Are these based on facts?"
Her seatmate says:
"Not exactly, but these haven't been disproved either." He then turns to the woman and asks, "What's your name, by any chance?"
The woman thinks for a bit, and says "Maria Nguyen-Suzuki"
An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Korean. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?"
The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. And besides, I'm not Chinese or Japanese, I'm Korean!""
And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, they're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence.
Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic."
The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
The F.O. replies," Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same."
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U. S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?
