Animal Jokes - Page 98

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said,
"Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said,
"Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two вiggеr moles.
Baby mole said,
"The only thing I smell is molasses."

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Animal Jokes

Little Billy looks at the chimpanzees from the zoo.
Mama, little Billy shouts, this monkey looks like our neighbour, Mr. Danny.
Billy, it’s not polite to talk like that!
Why? The chimpanzee doesn’t understand...

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Animal Jokes

There are two types of ostriches - Grey and Blue.
Grey ones scared hide their head in the sand.
The Blue ones sit in the bushes waiting for this moment.

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Animal Jokes

A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by prohibition-enforcement agents.
The mouse had had no previous acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think.
After some thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey.
It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought.
Presently, it issued and drew near the pool for the third time.
Now, it took a big drink. Nor did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:
"Now, bring on your cat!"

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

What looks like half a cat?
The other half.

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Animal Jokes

A drunк walks up to a barkeeper one day and says,
"If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"
The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
The Drunк reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano.
The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard.
He pours the drunк his drink.
The drunк, after killing his drink says,
"If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"
The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."
The drunк reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunк can drink 'em.
After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to.
The barkeeper points to the drunк who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says,
"I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act."
The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says,
"Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat."
The drunк say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunк and says,
"Are you nuts?
You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"
The Drunк says,
"Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist."

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Money jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

On the street strolls a chick dressed with fur from head to toes.
Near hear another chick stops and says to hear:
Do you imagine how many animals they had to кill for this coat?
But do you know with how many animals I had to sleep with for it?

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Animal Jokes

The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.

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Animal Jokes

Is it just me, or do alligators always look like they are in the middle of a push-up?

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Animal Jokes

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus

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Animal Jokes

1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody. 9. They leave their hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts.
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment... an IV drip mixing fluids with vоdка. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap вооzе so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1996, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

A guy and his dog went into a bar. The guy tells the bartender, named Rafe, that his dog is the smartest dog in the world. Rafe tells the guy to prove it.
Guy: What's the bartenders name?
Dog: Rafe!
Guy: What's the thing that covers a house?
Dog: Roof!
Guy: What is the opposite of smooth?
Dog: Rough!
Guy: Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?
Dog: Ruth!
Then Rafe kicks the guy and his dog out of the bar because he's had enough of their trickery. When outside the bar, the dog says to the guy, "I think I know what went wrong. I should have said 'Mantle'!"

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Animal Jokes

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg. That'll вlоw his little mind.

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Animal Jokes

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said,
"Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck'

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Animal Jokes

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

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Animal Jokes

What do you get if you cross a hippo, elephant and a rhino?
A Helephino!!

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Animal Jokes

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother:
"What does the соw say?"
Child:
"Moo!"
Mother:
"Great! What does the cat say?"
Child:
"Meow."
Mother:
"Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Old People Jokes