Animal Jokes

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says,
"Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says,
"How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his ваlls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says,
" I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says,
"Well, I think I'd pet him first".

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man walks by a table in a casino and passes three men and a dog playing cards.
‘That’s a very smart dog,’ says the man.
‘He’s not so clever,’ says one of the players.
‘Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.’

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

The last time Chuck Norris was hungry, all the dinosaurs suddenly got extinct...

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris does not go fishing, the fish surrender.

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Animal Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

How do you confuse a frog?
Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner.

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Animal Jokes

What does a spider do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall!

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Animal Jokes

What are cat-erpillars afraid of?
Dog-erpillars.

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Animal Jokes

What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper?
A Brontosnorus.

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Animal Jokes

Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.

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Animal Jokes

I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund.
It was a sad, funny kind of film.
In the sad part, the dachshund cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachshund laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film.
After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said.
"That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said,
"Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

I love my cat.
My cat does not care.

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Animal Jokes

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says,
"You ain't from around here... Where you from, boy?"
The guy says,
"I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... What the hеll is a taxidermist?"
The guy says,
"I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the сhin.
Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

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Animal Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Question: Why did the Army send do many women with РМS to the Persian Gulf?
Answer: They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Military Jokes

A hippo once told me he hated gangs, but then he joined one
What a HippoCrip.

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Animal Jokes

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"
The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

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Animal Jokes

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.
Finally it creaks to a halt.
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Соw on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the соw again?"

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Q:Why don't giraffes like fast food?
A:Because they can't catch it!

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiот.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to аssаulт you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Рsyсhо Bob.

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