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Blonde Jokes

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A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn’t paying attention.
Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, “Come again?”
Giggling, the blonde replied, “No, just mustard this time.”
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When you have a little daughter, you don't want her to grow up thinking one day she's gonna get married and get pregnant and have a family. You want her to be like Barbie, the bleach-blond whоrе with the 28 double-D's, rolling around the pink Corvette, having вisеxuаl оrgiеs at the beach house with Ken Еunuсh.
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My girlfriend asked me “Who’s moving in next door?”
I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
She said, “Superman?”
I said, “OK then, maybe not.”
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My blonde girlfriend said, “I think the man that invented the clock is a genius!”
I said, “Why is that?”
She said, “Well how did he know what time it was?”
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Anant and blonde were having sеx. In middle of heat, Anant blows in her ear.
Blonde says "Ooooh that's nice. Thanks for the refill!"
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I was talking to a blonde woman in the pub last night and she didn’t believe me when I said, “I once caught a 10 foot fish whilst fishing.”
“You can’t fool me,” she giggled, “fish don’t have feet.”
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I told my blonde daughter never to accept a lift from men she doesn’t know.
Three days she’s been stood at that bus stop now.
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My blonde girlfriend did three pregnancy tests this morning and all three were positive.
“I can’t believe it,” she said, wiping tears from her face, “How the fuск are we going to cope with triplets?”
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A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password. No, it’s not the usual caps-lock problem.
“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.
“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”
“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”
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“Don’t you play sтuрid with me!” shouted my blonde wife
“Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?” I replied
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Anna's English translation:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you моrоn!
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A blonde walks into a bar and sees her friend sitting there with a drink in her hand and looking very sad.
She walks over and sits down to ask what is wrong and to see if can she help.
Her friend says,
" I feel awful, I went out last night got drunк and wound up sleeping with a Brazilian."
The blonde says,
"ОМG, wow. How many is that"?
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Blonde calls me on her phone ...
Blonde: Hello whats your phone number?
Me:(slams down he phone)
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Blonde: Hey, what does IDK,TTYL,ILY mean?
BF: I don't know, talk to you later, I love you
Blonde: OK
Blonde: Just for the record, what does SТFU mean?
BF: Shut the fu*k up
Blonde: THAT IS SO RUDE! WE ARE BREAKING UP.
BF: *facepalm*
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Two blondes in a travel agents. One blonde says, “which is further, the moon or florida?” The 2nd blonde replies “Err hello!! can you see fuскing florida?”
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Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having problems. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22ft Bayliner to perform.
It wouldn’t plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Remember this is true.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
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Friend: What did the triangle say to the circle?
Me: I dont know...
Friend: ОМG! Your so f*cking pointless.
Me: That joke was pointless.
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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he’s drinking.
He says, “Magic вееr. You want one?”
“Aw, that’s sтuрid. There’s no such thing” she says.
“Look, I’ll show you”. He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window.
“That’s incredible! I don’t believe it!” she says.
“Hey barkeep, throw me another one o’ them Magic Beers”. The bartender shakes his head and pours another вееr and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again.
“Here, you try it” he says to the blonde.
She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain.
The bartender says, “Superman, you’re a real ba*таrd when you’re drunк.”
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Blondes have more fun but brunettes remember it the next day! ?
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Anant came home with tears in his eyes.
"What's wrong with you?" Blonde wife asked Anant. "Remember when your father caught us having sеx when you were sixteen?", he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices; I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison." Baffled, Blonde wife said,
"Yes, I remember, so what?"
"
I would have been released today.
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