I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas. … ……Now I’m freaking stuck taking care of a puppy. 0 0 0
I went to my father. I said, 'Daddy will you buy me some roller skates for Christmas?''Buy? I'll make you some dамn roller skates.' Christmas morning, I wake up to some homemade roller skates made out of platform shoes. Cheap аss didn't even get real skate wheels, just took some gold wheels off an old couch. 0 0 0
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot-the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids." 0 0 0
I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways! 0 0 0
I’m getting dressed up for a LGBT Christmas party tonight…“Don we now our gаy apparel, fa la la la la la …” 0 0 0
Yesterday is HistoryTomorrow a MysteryToday is a Gift That’s why it’s called the PresentYou know your family is poor as fuск when all you get for Christmas is a metaphor 0 0 0
I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didn't have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick. 0 0 0
Kid: I want a dragon for christmas.Santa: Be realistic.Kid: Ok, I want a loyal girlfriend.Santa: What color dragon do you want? 0 0 0
There’s no pleasing my miserable сunт of a wife.I work as a Lifeguard, and last night I took her to our work’s Christmas dinner.All she did was complain that her seat was too high, and she couldn’t reach the table. 0 0 0
Not sure if I’ve offended my Muslim neighbors this year with all my Christmas decorations so I’ve decided to write ‘Allah is a сunт’ on my garage door just to make sure. 0 0 0
I’ve just taken my clock down and wrapped it for a Christmas present for my wife.I asked her what she wanted this year and she said something off the wall. 0 0 0
I just got a Christmas card promising lots of аnаl and оrаl sеx next year…It came from Big Reggie in Cell Block D.I fuскing hate prison. 0 0 0
I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.He said, “Google Glasses!”I said, “OK, and I know what fсuкing glasses are.” 0 0 0
I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”I replied, “No, you sick fсuк.I’ll be putting it up in my living room.” 0 0 0
“Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you’re out?” my wife asked.“Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Christmas presents?” I replied 0 0 0