Christmas Jokes

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I heard some strange chatter from the spice cupboard mid-December. But it was just the Season’s greetings.

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What did the reindeer say when he was spotted one Christmas Eve by Little Johnny?
Nothing, reindeers don’t talk.

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Sending letters to Santa up the chimney is definitely black mail.

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One turkey asks another, "Do you believe in life after Christmas?"

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Last Christmas I gave you my heart... well - that was the end of me... No one survives without a heart.

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Two women are chatting, "I took my husband to the Christmas market yesterday," says one of them.
"And, did someone want to buy him?" asks the other.

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An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill. Who gets to keep it?
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.

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Let’s face it. Santa clearly prefers children of rich parents.

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9 out of 10 turkeys recommend a steak at Christmas.

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Lisa thanks her grandpa, "Thank you Grandpa for the violin you gave me last year for Christmas. I've never got such a brilliant gift!"
"Really?" asks the surprised Grandpa.
Lisa says,
"Oh yeah - every time I start playing, mom gives me 2 dollars so I would stop!"

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Another helicopter tried to land in our garden today. I think we’re going to have to reduce our Christmas lights a bit.

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- Guess what I got for Christmas!
- No idea, tell me!
- Well, do you see that Audi parked down there?
- ОМG… It looks so cool!
- Yeah, doesn’t it? And that is the exact color of the sweat pants I got!

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A lady walks into a stationery shop early in December, “Hi, I’d like to buy some nice pen for my son.”
“Oh, a Christmas surprise, right?”
“Probably, yes, he’s expecting an iPhone.”

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I came home from work yesterday and got a terrible shock. All the windows open, everything gone… I nearly cried, I mean who can do something like that, and right before Christmas, too… And to top it, my family didn’t let me call the cops, they kept insisting they have better things to do than investigate who polished off my Advent calendar.

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There will be no Christmas anymore. I told Santa that you have been good the whole year. He died of laughter.

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How many gifts can Santa squeeze in an empty stocking? One. It’s not empty after the first one.

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9-1-1
Parody of "Jingle Bells"
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G. I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

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I think Santa Claus had an argument with his wife one night, he started calling her names; the neighbours heard him saying hо hо hо.....

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Why is Santa Claus a heavy drinker?
Because he only empties his sack once a year.

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Where did Santa Claus went on his summer vacation
At hо hо Holland

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