There is nothing funny about the death penalty -- except the name. Folks, death is not a penalty; 10 yards is a penalty. 0 0 0
Remember the old days? Grandma died -- you brought her in the backyard, and you buried her. Tract housing ruined that. 0 0 0
There is a blind kid in his room and his mother walks in to give him his soup.Mom: If you drop that soup you will see whats coming.Blind kid: *drops soup* Mom its not working. 0 0 0
It's cool to be back in Cleveland. I lived in L. A. for eight years. I can't tell you how cool it is to be able to go to the bank and make a deposit without body armor on. 0 0 0
I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate. I guess I'm just not a 'do-it-yourself' kind of person. 0 0 0
I had a kid who threatened to кill me one year because I gave him an F. Another teacher caught one of my students writing 'Кill Mr. Vallee' in his weekly planner in the section labeled 'Weekly Goals and Objectives.' And the school was freakin' out. They didn't know what to do about it. They kept asking me if I felt threatened, and I'm like, 'Why? This kid hasn't met any goals in his objectives all year.' 0 0 0
I asked her to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN-HD. And then she says, 'Well, at least you still get to watch it.' Oh yeah, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend. 0 0 0
Ladies, that's why it's hard for us to find a man: we're too emotional. We're too emotional. We're the only species that would shoot our man six times, and we would go to his funeral and be like, 'Why! Why'd he make me shoot him?' 0 0 0
We have a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Why'd we put them together? I called them up. 'Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.' I said, 'Yeah, what bourbon goes with an M-16?' 0 0 0
Go to L. A. -- they got gangbangers that will stab you, and then go to the corner and wait for the light to turn green. 0 0 0