Farmer Jokes, Farm Jokes

A farmer was coming home from a hard day’s work, tired, thirsty and almost dehydrated. He stopped at a nearby house and asked for water.

A little boy who was home alone offered him lemonade instead of water. The more he drank, the more the boy told him he could have. He asked the boy if he was sure his mother would be pleased that he drank so much.

The boy replied, “You can have as much as you want because my dog died in it.”

Shocked and angry the man lifted the pitcher intending to use it to hit the boy who then shouted, "Oh no! No! Be careful or you'll break my mother’s bedpan!”

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The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan:
"We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent:
"Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause:
"I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Farmer Jokes Insurance Comedy

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new expressway bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day.

So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING"

Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY"

No good. So the farmer calls again...and again, every day for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the farmer calls and says he’s taken care of the problem.

The sheriff is curious to see how. So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words "SLOW: NUDIST COLONY"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Farmer Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

Sandy McTavish had an old friend, Jоск Murdock, who was quite ill. Sandy came to visit and Jоск said, "Sandy, I've only a short time to live, I'm on my death bed lad." Sandy knew that and in a non-committal way he said, "Aye, that a' know old friend." Jоск turned to Sandy and said, "Sandy, de ye nay ken that old bottle of Scotch that I hae been saving ah these years." Sandy, an aficionado, was immediately attentive and said, "Aye Jоск, that I do." Jоск said, "ye are guid friend and when I've passed I would have yee pour that Scotch on ma grave." Sandy was profoundly moved for his own reasons. After considering Jocks request for an agonizing period he brightened, turned to Jоск. "Aye- aye Jоск I'll de that for an old friend, but ye wouldna mind if I put it through my kidneys first."

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Friendship Jokes Farmer Jokes

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Rаndy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Rаndy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Rаndy. The farmer takes Rаndy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Rаndy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Rаndy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Rаndy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Rаndy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Rаndy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Rаndy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Rаndy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Rаndy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

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Money jokes Animal Jokes Farmer Jokes

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.

After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening he would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."

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Friendship Jokes Farmer Jokes

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer's wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.

The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too."

Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

"What are you doing"? the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Farmer Jokes Coffee Jokes

Did you hear about the farmer who wanted to buy a thousand hens, but didn't have the money...so...He put them on a layaway plan!

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Money jokes Farmer Jokes

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.

"Is Fred home"? he asked the woman who answered the door.

"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day, the collector tried again.

"Is Fred here today"?

"No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day, he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again"?

"No," the woman answered solemnly. "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:

"Gone, but not for cotton."

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Jokes about Women Farmer Jokes

What does a farmer say when he's looking for his tractor?
"Where is my tractor?"

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Farmer Jokes Anti-Humor Jokes

An old farmer wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. "What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know what collateral means."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1979 pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know what deposit means."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

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Money jokes Men jokes Farmer Jokes Banker Jokes

Once upon a time, two good ole boys, Curtis & Leroy, saw an ad in the Starkville, MS Daily and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Curtis & Leroy replied, Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Medicare and Social Security Programs.

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Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Farmer Jokes

To keep her warm, a motorcyclist puts his leather jacket on his girlfriend backwards, so that the collar would cover her face. After they hit a patch of ice, there was a tragic accident. First on the scene was a farmer and his son. Soon a policeman arrives and questions the farmer.

"Well, sir, the poor guy down there in the ditch was apparently killed outright. The girl was in pretty good shape till Junior turned her head around."

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Police Officer Jokes Farmer Jokes Cyclist Humor

A farmer and his wife had just waken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.
"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"
The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

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Office and Work Jokes Farmer Jokes

On the first day God created the соw. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The соw said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (*sigh*).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again (...???...)

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sеx, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty соw gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sеx, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slаvе in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

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Farmer Jokes God Jokes Dog jokes

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the соw, the соw says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.

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Farmer Jokes

Why did the farmer feed money to his соw?
He wanted rich milk.

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Money jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Farmer Jokes

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

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Friendship Jokes Men jokes Farmer Jokes

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says:
"I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees"
"Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?"
"Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar."
"No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's"
"You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge."
"Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?"
"No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"

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Farmer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Lawyer Jokes

It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand. “It must have been terrible,” said the government man to a farmer. “All that snow.” “Could have been worse,” calmly answered the farmer. “My neighbor had more snow than me.” “How’s that?” asked the government man.
“More land,” replied the farmer.

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Farmer Jokes Men jokes