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Friendship Jokes

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The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".
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One-Liner Jokes Friendship Jokes
At my friend’s parish they are taking pains to develop a new intern priest. The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. ….
The Monsignor said, “Next week it may help if you put some vоdка in the water pitcher. After that everything should go smoothly.”
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He thought he did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a rather brusque note from the Monsignor. It read:
1. Next time, sip the vоdка rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his аss.
5. The recommended Grace before meals is not “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God.”
6. Mary did not nag Joseph all the way to Bethlehem, she just rode his аss.
7. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was sтоnеd off his аss.
9. Be careful reading the Upcoming events: Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
10. Last but not least, it is the “Virgin Mary,” not “Mary with the cherry.”
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Religion jokes God Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes
HALLOWEEN FUNNIES part I
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein.
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice Scream.
What's a monster's favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.
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Halloween Jokes Friendship Jokes
When I got married all my friends gave me grief about it. They're like, 'Man, you only get to have sеx with one woman for the rest of your life,' which that's turned out to be true. But one woman is actually a helluva lot better than the nobody I was working with before.
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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes
Two elderly ladies, Ethel and Martha, had been the best of friends for over 50 years. Over the decades they had spent together, they had worked together, lived next door to each other, and even vacationed together with their husbands. In their golden years, they would meet every afternoon to play cards.
One day, as they were wrapping up a game of pinochle, Ethel looks at Martha sheepishly and says , “Now please don’t get angry with me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t seem to remember your name! I’ve been wracking my brain for the past hour but it still escapes me. Please remind a forgetful old lady!”
Martha glares angrily at her. For five minutes, she doesn’t speak, only giving her friend stares of disappointment. Finally, Martha asks, “How soon do you need to know?”
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Office and Work Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes
John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.
They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver... To match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said,
"So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then."
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Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes
My friend required 10 stitches in his аss. He was trying to cut fаrт and the knife slipped.
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Friendship Jokes
Items 11- 20 Of 31 … …
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11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. …
… …
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. … …
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13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. …
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. … …
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15. All single women have a cat. …
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Single People Jokes
Blonde calls her friend
"Come darling. I am alone. No one is at my home"
Boy : what happened dear. We had sеx just now twice 30 minutes back.
Blonde : Ohh , I called you again by mistake.
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Blonde Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes
I asked my friend Jim about our mutual friend Inge. She seemed down and depressed.
Jim answered, "She used to be the 'Веll of the Ball'. But nobody ever tolled her!"
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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Friendship Jokes
I have friends who swear they dream in colour but it’s just a pigment of their imagination
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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Friendship Jokes
Two New Yorkers are in Las Vegas gambling, and they win two hundred thousand dollars. One man says to the other, “come on let’s go out and paint the town!” “You know.” Says his friend, “I think this money is New York money. This dough is earmarked for the Big Apple, and I think we should go back there to spend it.” “You’re right,” says the first man. “Let’s go out to the airport right now and catch the first plane back.”
“Forget the airport,” says the friend, “let’s just take a limo.” “Forget the limo,” says the first man, and then he yells, “taxi!” A cab pulls up in front of the two men. The friend opens the door and is about to get in when the first man says to him, “Say, where in New York do you live?” “Fifty-ninth Street,” says the friend. The first man then says, “In that case, I had better get in first because I’m getting out at forty-third.”
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Money jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes
A boy always asks for 50 cents from his mother. So his mother questioned the boy on why he kept asking for 50 cents. The boy replied that his friend told him that if you eat 50 cents worth of peanuts a day you would become smarter. Quickly his mother gave him $5. The boy asks “Why $5”, and the mother replied, “Buy 50 cents of peanut for yourself and buy peanuts for your father with the balance.”
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Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes
Friend: you can't fix stuff that's already broken
Me: like you face
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Friendship Jokes
Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.
He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.
‘It’s those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool… They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I’m telling ya man…you’ll have all the вавеs you want!’
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, ‘What’s wrong now?’
‘Lard-Almighty Bubba!’ said Billy-Bob, ‘the tater goes in the front!
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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes
Англичанин и швед играят голф. Англичанин и швед играят голф. A Fishermen's Tale Zwei Schotten beim Golf Zwei Männer spielen Golf. Als ein Trauerzug am Golfplatz vorbeizieht stellt der eine sein Spiel ein, nimmt den Hut ab und hält inne. Sagt sein Mitspieler: Двое мужчин в возрасте играют в гольф. Один из них готовится к удару, когда замечает похоронную процессию на дороге, снимает шапку, закрывает глаза и склоняет голову в молитве. Его друг замечает: Due amici stanno trascorrendo una splendida giornata di sole giocando a golf nel loro club. Uno di loro sta per far buca con un tiro veramente facile, quando vede passare nella strada di fianco al campo la processione di un funerale. Allora si ferma all'istante, lascia cadere la mazza, si toglie... Se encontraban dos hombres jugando al golf, en uno de los campos más bonitos de la ciudad. En eso, ven pasar a un funeral al camposanto del lado. Uno de los hombres se detiene, se hinca, se persigna y reza mientras pasa el funeral. El otro hombre, asombrado dice: Hombre, te felicito, eso muestra... Zwei Golfspieler sind am 12. Grün, als ein Leichenzug vorbeikommt. Der eine hält im Spiel inne und verneigt sich kurz zu dem Leichenwagen hin. "Das war aber eine sehr noble Geste von Ihnen. ", sagt... Deux vieux anglais jouent au golf. Sur la route voisine arrive un cortège d'enterrement. Le premier anglais arrête de jouer, enlève sa casquette, tandis que passe le cortège funèbre. - Ah!, dit... Två män spelar golf. När ett liktåg passerar banan, stannar den ene och tar av sig hatten. - Det var imponerande, säger den andre. Jag vet hur galen du är i golf, och ändå stannar du upp för att... Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His... To mannfolk står og spiller golf, og den ene skal til å slå ballen i hullet, da han ser et begravelsesopptog. Han tar da av seg sin hatt og bøyer hodet. Hans kammerat sier overrasket: - Jeg viste... Están dos hombres jugando golf y en eso pasa un cortejo fúnebre por la calle adyacente al campo y uno de los hombres se quita el sombrero y se lo pone en el pecho respetuosamente. - ¡Jamás había... A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He... Dwóch Anglików w średnim wieku gra w golfa. w pewnej chwili obok pola golfowego przechodzi kondukt żałobny. Jeden z grających odkłada kij i zdejmuje czapkę. - Cóż to - dziwi się drugi - przerywa... Twee mannen zijn aan het golfen als er vlak naast de green een begrafenisstoet voorbij komt. Een van de twee mannen neemt zijn pet af en houdt deze op zijn hart. Als de stoet voorbij is zegt zijn... Unos hombres se encuentran jugando a golf y, justo al lado del campo, se encontraba un cementerio en el cual se estaba llevando a cabo un funeral. Uno de los hombres interrumpe su juego, se acerca... Dwaj starsi panowie grają w golfa. Widzą, a tu idzie marsz pogrzebowy. Jeden z nich ściąga czapkę a drugi na to: - No co Ty. Graj. - No wiesz, jednak byliśmy przez te 45 lat małżeństwem. Een begrafenisstoet komt voorbij een voetbalstadion waar de supporters nog buiten staan. Ineens komt er vanuit de groep supporters een man naar de kist, blijft er eventjes stilstaan en pakt zijn... En man och en kompis spelar golf en dag på den lokala golfbanan. En av killarna är på väg att chippa in på green när han ser ett långt begravningståg på vägen bredvid banan. Han stannar upp i... To mænd står og spiller golf, og den ene skal lige To mænd står og spiller golf, og den ene skal lige til at "Putte" bolden i hullet, da han ser et begravelses optog. Han tager sin hat af og bøjer... Twee mannen zitten in een boot onder een brug te vissen. Eén van de twee kijkt omhoog als er juist een rouwstoet voorbij komt. Hij staat meteen op, doet zijn pet af en buigt zijn hoofd. De... Un giocatore di golf si accorge che un corteo funebre sta passando lungo la strada che affianca il loro campo di gioco. Per rispetto suggerisce ai compagni: "Ragazzi, perché non ci prendiamo un... En mann og en venn spiller golf sammen en dag på den lokale golfbanen. En av mennene skal akkurat til å chippe ballen mot greenen når han ser en lang begravelsesprosesjon ved veien ved siden av... Deux Anglais sont sur un green en train de taper la balle de Golf. Soudain, un convoi funèbre passe. L'un des deux joueurs enlève son chapeau et attend le Passage, En faisant mine de se recueillir.... Two men were playing golf one morning. One of them was on the green preparing to putt when a funeral procession started passing on the road next to the golf course. The man preparing to putt paused... Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his... Doi prieteni erau într-o zi pe terenul de golf. Unul dintre ei tocmai se pregătea să lovească, moment în care zăreşte o lungă procesiune funerară trecând prin apropiere. Tipul se opreşte cu crosa... Irgendwann kommt ein Leichenzug des Weges. Der eine nimmt seine Mütze ab und senkt seinen Kopf in Richtung des Sarges. "Man, bist Du heute aber pietätvoll!", sagt der andere. "Na, schließlich war...
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway.
A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known.”
The hunter shrugged. “Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years
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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes
Me: One day, son, ALL this will be yours.
*points to friendzone*
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Friendship Jokes
On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read:
"Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum."
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Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes
A frog goes into a bank and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack, so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."
The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Мiск Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unconvinced, Ms. Whack explains she will need some identity and also some security against his loan. The frog produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant and hands it to her.
The confused teller says she will have to consult with her manager. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger at the counter who wants to borrow $30,000," she tells her boss. "And what do you think this elephant is about?"
The manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Animal Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes
My friend said to me, “If I wasn’t mixing cocktails, I’d be a criminal.” …..
Either way, he’s behind bars.
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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Friendship Jokes
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