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* In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
* The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
* Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
* Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
* The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
* There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.
* An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
* Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
* Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
* There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
* Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't been with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I can look the other way."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was not feeling well and could not make it to church to, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. Should we teach him a lesson?"
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup, three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to teach him a lesson?"
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
Моsеs, Jesus and some' ol geezer are going to play a round of golf. Моsеs tees off, the ball goes right into the pond. No problem! Моsеs walks over parts the water and hits the ball again, where it lands about 1 foot from the first hole.
Jesus then tees off and the ball goes flying off to the left, hits a tree, then miraculously bounces to about 6 inches from the hole.
The' ol geezer steps up, tees off, the ball heads right for the pond, a huge bass jumps up grabs the ball in its mouth, suddenly an eagle swoops down, grabs the bass and flies over the green, the bass drops the ball and it rolls to just about 2 inches from the hole! All of a sudden a worm pops up and knocks the ball in. A hole in one.
Moses looks at Jesus and says, "You know, I really hate it when your DAD plays."
Peter goes golfing every Saturday.
One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late.
His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
Peter says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had.
We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
Peter's wife says, "ОМG!
That's terrible!"
Peter says, "I know.
Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . ."
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Сhrisт."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. :
"You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the putt, didn't you?"
A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.
"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Gus had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.
"I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus, hit the ball, drag Gus . . . "
David was a new golfer, who had taken to the game so deeply that he lost all track of time. As almost a commandment, when David went out to play golf, he was always late coming home by three or more hours. Needless to say, Grace his wife, suffered as well as she could, but every once in a while she threw a fit because of his broken time to be home promises.
It was Sunday afternoon and David was heading out the door for the golf course. Grace nailed him before he got out the door and reminded him that her sister and husband would be there that evening for supper at 7PM . Dave saw no problem with this and swore to Grace that he would be home by 6PM. Well in time to meet his sister-in-law. Grace made him promise several times and Dave swore he would be home by 6.
Grace started looking out the door at 5:30 and saw no sign of Dave. 6PM, Dave's, promised time of arrival came and still no Dave had arrived. Minutes passed and at 6:30 the guests arrived. Grace served cocktails and started burning under the collar.
Dinner was served late at 8PM and still no Dave. Grace was thinking of good divorce lawyers. When 10:30 arrived the guests left and Grace sat down in the living room to have a good cry.
At 11:15 Dave walked through the door, sat his clubs in the corner and sat down with his wife. "Such a golf game I had. On the second hole, Irving dropped dead. After that it was terrible. Hit the ball, drag Irving. Hit the ball, drag Irving. Hit the ball, drag Irving...