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If you’re ever lost in the nature, you’ll do well to
Have a compass.
It will help you to be lost more north.

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Dentist:
“Oh Lord, I’ve never seen such a huge cavity.
- Cavity.”
Patient:
“Yeah, you don’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist:
“I didn’t. It was an echo.”

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I met a microbiologist the other day.
He was much вiggеr than I expected.

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My mother urged me to attend a cooking class. She said:
“A man should know how to cook. It impresses the girls.”
After a few lessons, a very beautiful girl started chatting to me. One thing led to another – aaand we are very good friends now.

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My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
He never said to whom it belonged.

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Magic is awesome. Do you know the name of the magical stick that makes men disappear?
The pregnancy stick.

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A patient runs out of the operation room, screaming.
A doctor stops him and asks:
“Mr. Ainsley! What on Earth is happening?! Why are you running?!”
The patient breathes heavily:
“I was about to be operated on, doctor. And then the nurse said: ‘Come now, stop panicking. You’ll manage just fine!’”
The doctor shrugs:
“Oh but that’s nice, no? Nurse being supportive to you?”
The patient gets angry:
“She was talking to the surgeon!”

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Two hunters are comparing their stories. One says, “I once shot a wild boar so big they had to come get it with a tractor!”
The other scoffs, “Ha, I once shot a bird so big, 357 people got out of it when it hit the ground.”

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Patient to his doctor:
“Doctor, please help me. I think I’m a moth.”
The doctor says:
“I’m sorry, but I’m not your guy. You have to go see a psychiatrist.”
The patient sighs:
“I wanted to. But the light in your office is so much brighter!”

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I saw an ad recently: LASER HAIR REMOVAL. But come on, if you had laser hair, would you really want to remove them? No, you’d be starting world dомinатiоn!

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Feeling adventurous? Go to a Walmart changing room and after five minutes start asking loudly where they keep the toilet paper!

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That awkward moment when you whisper in your boyfriend's ear that you want to feel him inside you and he sticks his finger in your nose.

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How many women were born in 2018?
None. Only baby girls and baby boys.“

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I tried one of those organic
Deodorant stick. It said in the instructions:
1. Remove the cap
2. Push thumb up the bottom part for application.
It is very difficult to sit but my farts smell very nice now.

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Grandpa’s last words will stay with me forever:
“Quit rattlin’ the ladder ya little hooligan!”

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My husband came home from work today and asked why it’s not tidy when I’ve been home the whole day.
I asked him how come we’re not rich when he’s been at work the whole day.

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So how was summer in Alaska?”
“Can’t tell you, really, I was drunк on both days.”

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How many Irish people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Five. One holds the lightbulb and the three are drinking heavily until the room starts going round and round.“

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How many bears do you need to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but you’ll need a lot of lightbulbs before he learns how to do it.

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A Russian military team is flying towards Chechnya at the height of the conflict.
The team leader is instructing his men, "Guys, for every Chechnian head you'll get a bottle of vоdка!"
The plane lands, soldiers burst out of the doors without waiting for anything else and come back in a few minutes, each dragging a few heads.
The leader is awaiting them all pale and sweaty:
"Guys, this was just a layover in Kyev!"

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Good jokes