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The doctor says to his patient at the end of a
Checkup, “OK, let’s do a stress tolerance test. Nurse, the bill please.”

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My little daughter came to me all excited, saying,
“Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t
Say where she got them.

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Doctor: Your test results are showing you'll easily
Live to be 80.
Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now.
Doctor: See, I told you to live healthier!

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A man goes to the lawyer:
“What is your fee?”
Lawyer says:
“1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man:
“Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer:
“Yes, what is your third question

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A mother thinks there’s something strange going on
And eventually decides to take a DNA test.
She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her
Husband at all.
Wife:
"Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk
About. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."
Husband:
"Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving
The hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change
The baby, I’ll wait here.’”

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You really can't trust anything these days. At a bar,
I opened a door which said Men – and all there was were a few toilets.

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The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed, for years,
It was terrible. His wife suffered greatly and kept nagging him to do
Something about his indigestion, often saying, “One day, Trevor, your
Horrible farting is going to force your guts right out!”
The husband only made fun of this feeling very macho.
Until one Christmas day the wife was gutting a turkey for Christmas
Dinner and had an idea… She took the intestines out and placed them
Quietly in her sleeping husband’s bed, under the covers.
She couldn’t wait for the husband to wake up – and sure enough, in about
One hour, Trevor, all white and shaky, came down the stairs:
“Mary, by
Golly you were right! That horrible farting did force my guts out! But
With the help of our Lord and these two fingers, I set everything right
Again!”

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A ship has been badly damaged in a storm and things
Don’t look good.
The crew assembles on the deck and the captain shouts over the howling
Wind, “Men, it’s bad. The helm is broken off, we have three huge holes,
I really don’t see this beauty making it to the shore. Is there anyone
Among you who knows how to pray?”
Paul steps up and says, “I can, and I will, captain!”
“Excellent, you do that,” shouts the captain. “Now the rest of you put
On your life jackets, we were missing one.”

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Nothing and no-one can stop me now! Oh no... a
Childlock!!!

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A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly
In the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under
The blanket.
Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until
All movement stops.
After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on
The sofa. He turns to her half asleep:
"Oh, you're home, darling. I'm
Afraid we have to sleep here tonight, my parents came for a surprise
Visit."

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Man to his priest:
“Yesterday I sinned with an 18
Year old girl.”
The priest:
“Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man:
“And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest:
“No, but it frees your face from that dirтy grin.”

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A woman has a date she’s very much looking forward
To. She put on her best dress, spent an hour on make-up and chose the
Least comfortable but fanciest shoes she possesses. And of course spent
Ages getting herself all waxed and toned and scrubbed.
She’s all ready – but her date is nowhere to be seen, although its
Already time. She waits and waits – nothing.
After about an hour she’s had enough. She takes it all off, wraps
Herself up in her fluffiest pyjamas and bathrobe, makes a mug of cocoa,
Takes a рот of ice cream and sits grumpily in front of some comfort TV.
One hour later, the doorbell goes off – and there’s her date! He looks
At her quickly and says, “My God, Andrea, seriously? I’m 2 hours late
And you’re still not ready?!”

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A guy finds an old bottle and rubs it – and suddenly
A genie pops out and announces, “You have 3 wishes, speak your first.”
The guy says, “Hm, I had a very bad encounter with a lawyer last week,
That son of a goat fleeced me like a sheep. Therefore, as my first wish,
I want a world without lawyers!
My second wish is that you make me the richest man in the world. And my
Third…”
The genie interrupts him, “Sorry, sayidi, but you have no more wishes
Left.”
“What?!” exclaims the guy, “but you said I get 3 wishes!”
“Well,” smirks the genie, “sue me.”

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In a psychiatrist’s office:
A man comes in and says,
“Good day to you. I am King Arthur. I demand to Speak with the doctor.”
The nurse says wearily,
“You are not King Arthur, Mr. Crankleberry. Please sit down.”
Mr. Crankleberry exclaims,
“I am! It was God himself who told me I am King Arthur.”
Another patient stands up angrily,
“I certainly did not!”

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Good jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes

Anita meets her friend Tanya after a long time and
They chat a bit, when Anita asks, “And are you still engaged to Rowley?”
“No, not for a long time,” smiles Tanya.
“Oh thank goodness for that, what a jеrк that guy was! I never got the
Courage to tell you, but I’m pretty certain he was cheating on you with
Greta and Louise!”
“Um…” Tanya continues, “yeah… we got married three years ago.“

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Woman says, “Oh John! I am so sorry... I really want
To be married before I sleep with someone.”
John nods calmly, “I totally understand that, Margaret. Just call me
When you’re married.”

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Two skeletons decide to take a vacation in Mexico.
On the way there, one of the skeletons gasps, “Oh no, we have to go
Back! I forgot my tombstone!”
The other skeleton looks at him, “Why would you need your tombstone in
Mexico?”
“Well,” replies the first skeleton, “and how do you plan to cross the
Border without an ID?”

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My wife dared doubt my craftsmanship when I was
Changing the light switch. Haha, she’s in for a shock.

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Is this lactose free?
Yes.
Vegan?
Yes.
No gluten?
None.
Fat free?
Yes, dаммiт it! It’s just water!
With or without gas?
[Sounds of struggle]

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A guy goes to the doctor, “Do you have something
Against a persistent hiccup?”
The doctor gives him a huge slap in the face and says, “Yes. Sorry. This
Is the best treatment.”
The guy holds his cheek and says, “OK, it’s actually my wife who’s got
The issue!

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